Today I went to the hospital because I had to have my CT scan and my blood work. The doctors need to know what is going on – where are the tumours? are there new ones? have the old ones grown? has my tumour marker gone up? Depending on the answers to those questions, then I have more questions – what is the suggested treatment course? what are the options? can I have more chemo? have I exhausted that option? are there clinical trials I can try?
There are so many questions when you are dealing with cancer. You try as hard as you can to maintain control over your life but so much is left up in the air. I can’t commit to anything too far in the future because I just don’t know when I am going to be back in treatment. I have been asked to help out at a fundraiser for Princess Margaret Hospital and I just don’t know if I will be able to attend because I don’t know if I am going to be feeling well. I can’t plan. I can’t control my future. ARGH!!!!!!
These tests are supposed to give me the answers. Hopefully once I see the results I will know what the immediate future holds for me and I can then make some plans. Can I go to Montreal for my father’s 70th birthday celebration? Can I travel over the winter holidays? Can I help to fundraise for the hospital that has helped me and given me so much? I can’t even commit to helping out on a regular basis at my daughter’s school because I can’t commit to any regular schedule – my life keeps getting interrupted by cancer.
These interruptions are sooooooo annoying. But then I think of all the things that I have gotten to take advantage of since I have been diagnosed. I no longer wait to do the things that I really want to do. I try not to put off those things that make me and my family happy. I try to enjoy every moment because this life really cannot be taken for granted and every day that I have is a gift. Even still, the questions loom….
Stay tuned – I will have answers soon. I meet with my doctors again next week to look at the CT scan and discuss the results. Hopefully we can then put together a plan of action. I always do better when I have a plan of action – it gives me back that sense of control 🙂