Bathing Suit Shopping or Root Canal?

Just as I put off going to the dentist, I put off bathing suit shopping. If I think about it, I'd rather book ten dentist appointments than go bathing suit shopping.


Just as I put off going to the dentist, I put off bathing suit shopping. If I think about it, I’d rather book ten dentist appointments than go bathing suit shopping. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I rather get a root canal than going bathing suit shopping, but, honestly, I find it just as painful.

I need new bathing suits. I haven’t bought a new bathing suit in three years, which is a long time for someone like me, who spends as much time as she can on a beach.

The last time I went bathing suit shopping it was at Holt Renfrew. I saw a black Burberry string bikini, didn’t bother trying it on, and just bought it. I figured that since there were strings, I could tighten and loosen the strings accordingly. It worked.

My boobs used to be bigger than my butt, so I would often (awful of me) find two matching bikinis and switch to get the bigger top then bottom. But now my butt is bigger than my boobs, and SALES CLERKS ARE ONTO PEOPLE LIKE ME who switch to have one size for their bikini top and another for the bottom.

There are so MANY things wrong with bathing suit shopping. First, I’ve never in my life seen a bathing suit store with good mirrors. You know, the mirrors that lie. Which I would love. PLEASE, shop owners, get mirrors that lie and make you look good, even if in reality you don’t.

Second, I hate trying on bikini bottoms, because I can’t help but wonder who else tried this on before me. Yes, sure, they give you paper panties to put underneath but still…

Third, I would like advice, but I’m way too mortified to come out of a change room. So I always have to make the decision to buy it on my own, no matter how many times the sales women tell me to come out. It’s not happening. I know salespeople are supposed to make you feel good, and buy stuff, so, really, how much can you trust them?

And the only time I really would want to go bathing suit shopping is at seven in the morning, before I’ve eaten anything. Because, otherwise, bathing suit shopping just makes me feel fat (I know I’m not fat, but there’s just something about bathing suit shopping that brings out the insecurity in me.)

So I’ve decided this week not to ask any professionals for advice on buying a bathing suit, because while they may have tips on what type of bathing suit is best on different body shapes, I’m not really interested. I’m just interested in getting through the process. Here are some tips, from me, on what you should do to buy that bathing suit for your winter beach holiday. As a woman, you can trust me, more than any “expert” because I KNOW the pain of shopping for bathing suits.

1. Walk through the store and grab as many as you’re allowed to try on. This way, you won’t have to go through the process again.

2. We all have brutal friends who tell you the truth when you don’t want to hear the truth. But bathing suit shopping is the ONE place you can bring this friend. Yes, your feelings will be hurt when she says, “You can see all your cellulite,” or, “That makes your boobs look saggy.” But, unlike sales people, who often work on commission, you will at least hear the truth.

3. Get a spray tan before you go away. Spray tans make your body look more toned.

4. While buying a bathing suit, also pick up a cute cover up (In fact, thin Pashminas actually work really well as cover ups.)

5. If there was ever a time to give yourself a pep talk and to tell yourself you are beautiful, this is it. You should be proud of your body, no matter what.

6. Try to buy at least two suits because you really only want to go through this process every couple of years.

Would you rather get a root canal or go bathing suit shopping?

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