Six tips for how to end a friendship gracefully

When you’ve outgrown a friend it’s hard to navigate the cooling off period. Get expert tips for breaking up with a friend, without acting like a jerk.


In Bridesmaids friendships are lost and gained again (Photo by Suzanne Hanover – © 2011 Universal Studios).

You can’t live without good friends. But every once in a while, there’s one pal you think you just might be able to survive without. What’s the best way to end a friendship with as little distress and hurt feelings as possible without relying on social media to do the dirty work for you?

Learn how to gauge whether or not a friendship has run its course, and if so, three ways to keep the parting short and sweet:

Signs it may be over
If you dread the very idea of calling her or seeing her, and if looking at her Facebook page gives you a migraine and/or the powerful urge to leave nasty comments on her vacation photos then your connection may well be past its best-before date.

That’s okay. You’re not a bad person. You’re just going through what Dr. Jan Yager, author of When Friendship Hurts, calls a “friendshift.”

“This ‘weeding out’ process takes place throughout our lives,” says Yager, adding that “it is those friendshifts that help us ‘fine tune’ our friendship network since there’s only so much time and emotion that anyone has for close or best friends although it’s possible to have a huge network of casual friends since they don’t make the same, or as intense, emotional or time demands on us.”

Maybe the problem is you?
Impossible, right? How could you be the problem? You’re practically perfect! Your friend, meanwhile, is a land mine of imperfection, with all of her passive-aggressive comments about your job, your cooking, and your new haircut. While that’s all undoubtedly true, it may be worth considering that the problem may still lie with you.

“Perhaps the friendship is teaching you something about yourself and if that’s the case you may want to work a bit harder to try and understand what that lesson may be before you end the friendship,” says Dr. Lisa Skelding, a relationships and marriage therapist based in Oakville.

That life lesson: “You need to stand up and teach your friend how you like to be treated,” says Skelding. That doesn’t mean overturning the brunch table the next time she says, ‘Just kidding!’ It simply means telling your friend when they’ve hurt you and that you’d prefer she pumped the brakes on her “jokes.”

Weigh your options
The great thing about friendship is that it’s an optional and voluntary arrangement, says Dr. Yager. “Once a friendship is continued because you feel you ‘have to’ rather than you just want to, it’s probably not going to last in a strong, connected way anyway,” she explains.

Just because it’s voluntary doesn’t mean that you should toss away a challenging friendship willy-nilly, she adds. Sometimes friendships go through natural cooling-off periods. Your lack of enthusiasm for that weekly lunch may just be the result of overexposure. Step back and ask yourself whether you need a break or a full-on break-up before you act rashly and unnecessarily damage a friendship.

Option 1: Let it fade out
If possible, let a so-so friendship that’s no longer working for you “fade out” says Dr. Yager rather than make a big performance out of ending things. “There’s a difference between ending a friendship and letting it fade,” explains Yager. “You may have to end a friendship if you are dealing with an act of betrayal that can not be ignored or forgiven or you feel that continuing the friendship puts you or your loved ones or your career in jeopardy.”

But if the friendship has simply run its course, then let it die a natural death. Don’t just stop calling and emailing cold turkey, slowly let the contact diminish over time. If you’re talking three times a week, bring it down to once a week.

Option 2: Tell her how you feel
If you’ve decided that you want to break up with your friend you can choose to let them know that officially, too — but don’t be a jerk about it. Don’t call a friend and ask her to come over only to unload three years worth of resentment at her feet.

Instead, take responsibility for how you feel. “First of all, you have to let your friend/former friend know that it’s not her but it’s the way the two of you interact that isn’t working,” says Dr. Yager.

If you want to go into details about your decision — though you’re not obligated — do it in “a way that is kind and informative rather than judgmental and overly critical.”

Once you’ve made the break, behave accordingly. Don’t gossip about your former pal among your general acquaintance. You’ve chosen to end the friendship — not destroy it or disrespect it.

Option 3: Take the boutique approach
Don’t like options one or two? Then get creative and consider your friend’s specific personality. As Dr. Yager says, “There is no one way to end a friendship.” Maybe your pal doesn’t like reggae or yoga or vegetarians. Perhaps it’s time for you to channel your inner Bob Marley while perfecting your downward dog and hummus recipe? Become the kind of person your pal dislikes and maybe she’ll go cold turkey for you.

Have you ever broken up with a friend? Tell us how you did it in the comment section below.

33 comments on “Six tips for how to end a friendship gracefully

  1. Pingback: The Friend Break-Up

  2. Pingback: How to End a Casual Friendship | Sociology - Popular Question & Answer

  3. Well idk.


    • Such insight.


  4. My friend always thinks she is the ultimate authority: she has a religion that she has dissected and she is the only one that is right in their beliefs.


    • We must have the same friend! I’m ending association with her. The judgment, hostility and thinly veiled accusations of various “sins” by myself and others is too much after 3 years. All this while she medicates with smoking pot and refuses to do the internal work she knows has to be done. Not smart. Undiagnosed/untreated bipolar disorder, what a joy.. NOT


      • i had a co worker who is a back stabbing gossiping two faced whore. I just let the phony friendship disentegrate and didn’t evewn care how she felt. It felt good to dismiss her.


        • How old are you? To have a co worker you sound like you are possibly an adult. I might be wrong! Don’t take that personaly. And I’m sorry about the phony frienship, at least you are able to put that in your past my ex friend will not leave me alone. Any advise?


  5. My friend only calls me when she “needs” me and I have grown tired of it. She is bipolar and stops her medication and it becomes a crisis. We have been friends for 15 years so I am having a hard time just cutting her off. She’s not on FB which is good but she was calling so I blocked her number. I can’t decide if I should tell her or just keep avoiding her and let her catch on herself.


    • Tell her. It’s devastating when you REALLY don’t know what you did wrong. It happened to me once and it haunted me for a year how my best friend just stopped talking to me and acted like she didn’t know me without proper closure. Make it clear that you’re not asking them to change but show the friendship for what it was some honor and respect (the friendship, not the friend) and clarify what went wrong. I’m over it now but it bugged me for a long time.


      • A very mature and smart way to do things, thanks for this great comment


    • Similar problem with my BFF. On & off meds, has depression, erratic behavior, only contacts me when she needs something or is in a bad state of affairs. I deleted her off social media – took her month to realize it and she panicked, contacting all of our mutual friends demanding to know why. I finally leveled with her and she proceeded to deflect all of her faults into me. Always the victim. Blaming her actions on the drugs. Claims I’M the one who’s changed. I told her to drop me a line once in awhile to let me know how she was. Don’t think I’ll be hearing from her again.


      • Your story sounds like mine… The only reason we’re on here looking this stuff up, is because we’re nice people who feel kinda bad ( but SO glad the friendship is over) but want to tell the world , I DID IT
        And that’s exactly why needy people are drawn to us..Because we’re nice. .
        The weirdo magnate


        • I feel exactly the same way… we are nice people but we feel bad to end a friendship. We attract these needy friends


  6. I ended my friendship of 10 years with my friend on a game called MovieStarPlanet. I know it sounds silly, but she had started to be really mean to me, bullying me over the game, and when we had sleepovers, she would draw on my face, put underwear on my head, throw dirty clothes on me, etc. We started getting into fights, and i didn’t want it to go on anymore. I told her: “Why don’t we just save the future tears and end this friendship now?” I told her why i was ending it, with her being mean, and then i said: “I’m sorry, but this friendship is OVER.” It was really hard for me. I’m only 11, so we have been besties since forever. I dont know how to deal with it. Recently my brother died, and my other best friend, Gabby, started accusing me of doing and watching bad things. She ended that relationship, and I turned to Ashley, my bestie that i broke up with. She helped me, since my brother was one of her close friends, but know it’s over. The problem is, our dad’s are really good friends, so we usually go over to see each other every weekend. I dont want to face her right now. I’m scared about what she might say. What should i do???


    • Tori- i need some help like this, but maybe someone with another problem can help? anyway, the fear is probably getting in the way, but the question is, are you interested in becoming friends with her again?

      if you are:
      explain why you have ended the friendship, but dont make her feel guilty.maybe what you could do is try to mend things with her, but if she has no interest, then maybe you should keep her close, but move on to some new friends

      if you dont
      gently still explain. but remember: keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. she might not be your enemy, but let her know that she can still turn to you, and maybe she’ll let you know you can turn to her

      -hope this helped!


  7. i have no idea if i want to let go of a friend that i had for 8 years….we dont have a lot in common yet we agree on a lot of things…yesterday she used stupid jerks and idiot in the same sentence and something always tells me they either arent interested in the stories, or they get bored….but yet, i REALLY dont want to let go….help???


  8. I had a friend that was childish, self-centered, uncultured, and down right ignorant. I had tried for many years to end the friendship, yet she was too needy. One red flag was I was her only friend. So, how I got rid of her is by going on vacation out of the country for (3) weeks and I never called her up my return. I blocked her number, and her email. I guess I took option 3 approach the boutique approach. She felt I thought I was too good because I was going out of the country alone with out her. She was right, I did think I was too good to continue being friends with such a small mind. Ladies always put yourself first. Sure I felt guilty about taking the chicken shi*t route to ending our friendship, but that feeling only lasted a fews weeks. I’m so thankful she’s no longer in my life, she was a major headache.


    • That was mega cruel and cowardly.


      • No, it was not.


  9. Very helpful to read these comments. Seems like mental health issues are an issue. I just reconnected with an old friend after ten years…. now I remember why it had been ten years. The bipolar, needy, endlessly talking about herself, yet managing to judge every word I got in edgewise. It soon became a weekend of her own monologue. I’m pretty drained at the moment, but I still have to find the words to end it without hurting her too much. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


  10. I did the slow drift away from a friend who had become a mean-spirited “friend”. I had cancer, and she told me that SHE never gets sick because SHE thinks positively. She said other mean, horrible things…eating a certain disgusting substance “cures cancer”. She claimed she read it somewhere but can’t remember where!!! She stood me up, other times was up to 45 minutes late, and didn’t bother to call!!I put up with other mean, hurtful things for way too long, but when I finally decided to drift away from her, I felt so much better in every way. Sometimes we have to weed our friendship garden.


  11. It was hard for me to say I needed a break from a friend when we have known eachother for 8 years. Is there a way to tel if that person took it really hard?


    • Why bother knowing?


  12. I really liked this article. It was just what I needed to hear. I have been wanting to end friendship with my neighbor. I have only been focusing in on her faults, the article helped me see my part in the situation


  13. Have known this person for over 30 years, but things are getting worse. She seems to be quarrelsome, judgmental, and certainly a racists. Each year, more toxic. I have been contacted via phone by her for past two weeks. I will not reply. What is tactful way of tell her our two interactions with one another is no longer healthy, and I really don’t want to speak with her again. Suggestions please. Thanx. Don’t want to be hurtful, just end this nonsense.


  14. Distancing from neighbors – Hubby is a controlling nerdy pervert. Took me 3 yrs to realize because She is actually fun to hang with. but joined at the hip to Hubby, she can’t hang w/ us by herself he is always *around* (creepy vibes). Not a twosome to be friendly with anymore so I have e mailed *ah, we’re just hermits all summer…. * see how that goes over.


  15. I have a friend I met on vacay that is really opinionated and drives me nuts even though we just write to each other! I felt bad for her and invited her to a few social gatherings but we mainly emailed. Somehow I kept it going from a distance for about 3 years! I don’t like it when other people push me or believe they are heavily involved in my life when they really have no relevance in it. Call me crazy, but I like space to breathe especially in times of crisis that my family is going through. My husband comes first and friends are nice but blocking emails so the friendship dies naturally seems to work for me. Good job on a fantastic article.


  16. I’m in my 30’s and have just decided that I need to learn how to find good friends. Usually I am just my cheerful, friendly self at church or wherever and people choose _me_ for a friend by inviting my family over for dinner and that starts the relationship. But, that leaves me at the mercy of probably those who need friends, or me trying to figure out if they were just being nice and don’t really want to have a long-term relationship with me. I need to get to know myself, improve myself and know what kind of friends I need, and can also be good friends towards!

    *My first friend-break-up was in 7th grade. I didn’t want to do a very important project with her for many reasons, our 7-year friendship was over pretty much overnight. But. It was a good thing. She started making immoral (risky) choices that I wouldn’t have been able to handle at that age.

    *Whenever I wanted to break-up with a highschool boyfriend, I wasn’t very direct. I actually started dating a boy and realized that he was moving out of town at a certain date in the future and even though I liked him, I thought, “Oh, good! That will be an easy way to end our relationship!” Funny and kind of immature, right?

    *In college, I hung out with my boyfriend for a while, just an uneventful chat, and when I left, I stopped in the doorway, turned around and said, “By the way, I think we should breakup.” He was devastated! As you can imagine! We eventually started dating again later.

    I’ve thought of a bunch of friends and boyfriends that I didn’t list here, but I have to tell you, this was a good exercise! I can see that I should probably speak up a little more frequently to let friends know that the things they just said or the way they acted embarrassed or hurt me, etc. [lightbulb moment!] THEN THEY will decide if they can be friends with someone (me) who politely tells them to stop/ start something.

    Wow! This has been enlightening for me!


  17. ive ben thinking about breaking up with a quite new friend of mine for a few days now. we became friends about four months ago, but it wasnt until my other friend pointed it out the other day that i realised that she is a terrible friend. most of the time i feel like i have some sort of responibility for her when we hang out, like she cant handle herself. i feel like i give all that ive got to her, and is not given anything back. two days ago she really hurt me, while being really drunk. she came to me crying and claiming that everyone was lying and that “IT” wasnt true. i saw it happend tho but i didnt want her to be sad so i said that it didnt matter, that i didnt care. the morning after she acted like nothing had happend, and when i gave her the cold shoulder today she wrote a long messege, not even apologizing but saying that everyone was lying and that she didnt remember a thing. im tired of this. im tired of putting her feelings before mine. im tired af and i want to end the friendship now. we go to the same school and have almost every class together, we also have the same friends. so i can not just tell her that i no longer want to be friends with her, i think i have to wait it out. the hardest part is that every time i think about her my tummy turns and i feel sick, i dont know if i will be able to face her. i feel like shit and i cant stop crying and thinking about what she did.


  18. I might be a bit late to the party, but I’ve been looking up ways on ending friendships as well and stumbled across this article.

    I have a group of friends who I’ve known since high school, who I think I’m just about through with.

    There are quite a few little things that added up over the course of time, but I’ll try and summarize everything in a paragraph or so.

    I’ve had a lot of financial and housing difficulties in the past, and couldn’t afford to contact them due to having no internet or phone service. When I finally contacted them and apologized for not doing so earlier, I got lectured and they made me feel awful. I was staying in a homeless shelter at the time of this call.

    When I was living back with my mother and abusive stepfather, and ran away from home because of said abusive stepfather, only one person out of all of them believed me. Everyone else had been convinced otherwise and believed my stepfather over me. Several of my former friends still dislike me a bit for this.

    When I finally stabilized financially, they made a new friend, let’s call her Beatrice. Beatrice was a horrible person…narcissistic, stuck-up, rude, manipulative…but for some reason they hung out with her. I had made a friend outside the main group. Let’s call him Bob. Bob was a great guy, kind of blunt, but good-natured, funny, and pretty open-minded. For no reason whatsoever, Beatrice decided to start a verbal fight with him, then proceeded to manipulate everyone else into thinking he was the one who started this dispute and they shunned him and blocked him on social media, deciding to believe her over me and Bob.

    Finally, once I got a full time job and was able to support my mentally challenged brother and physically disabled mother, they once again started laying into me about not keeping in contact and made me feel terrible with passive aggressive comments and constant nagging whenever I went online to maybe relax for an hour with a game before going to sleep.

    Now, to me, it’s long past time to end the relationship with these people, but maybe I’m wrong…I still feel guilty because I purposely uninstalled skype and made new accounts on social media, and one hundred percent cut contact with them…I have good memories with them, but they just never matured past high school, and none of them even have a job or have lived on their own yet. Is cutting contact so suddenly a good idea in this case?


  19. I have a friend who is so needy and I’m a loner so it’s getting to the breaking point. She calls me every day at work because I “just sit at a desk all day” and have nothing better to do than talk to her on the phone. (Right!!) I am getting ready to go on a business trip and when I told my friend, she said she’s going to take vacation and come with me – and she was serious! Did I mention I’m a loner? I don’t want to talk to ANYONE every day and I certainly don’t need a friend tagging along on a work trip. I do have long-time friends that respect my need to be alone and don’t bulldoze themselves into my space. They are kind of loners too so we get together when we feel like it, no guilt trips, etc. I am in the process of fading the needy friend out of my life and she’s not taking it well, playing all kinds of games and reminding of every nice thing she has ever done for me. I get the feeling it’s going to be a long process!


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