Is fear of breaking up (FOBU) keeping you in the wrong relationship?

Stuck in an unhappy relationship? Afraid you’ll never find anyone better? Read this to overcome your fear of singledom, and take happiness into your own hands.

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A fortune cookie that reads: 'You will make change for the better.'

Though it may seem rough at first, being independent will only make you feel better in the long run. Photo, Getty Images.

Recently, I was at a party, and in between handfuls of tortilla chips, I found myself in a conversation about the tendency to stay in a relationship too long – even when you know that the person you’re dating isn’t right for you.

Most people know this phenomenon intimately. Breaking up with people isn’t fun – even if the relationship is well past its expiration date. “Think of happiness on a scale of one to 10,” a friend once told me. “Your relationship might only be a five, but breaking up might temporarily bring you down to a three. It doesn’t matter that you’ll eventually be happier than you were in the relationship. A lot of people can’t pull the Band-Aid off and face that temporary decline.” In other words, we can be as terrible at delaying gratification when it comes to relationships as we are with anything else.

Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, a Chicago-based psychologist and author of A Happy You, has a name for this: fear of breaking up (FOBU). “The biggest component of it is ‘I’m never going to find someone else,’” says Lombardo. “It’s fortune-telling and catastrophizing. It’s the ‘I’m going to die alone and my cats are going to eat me’ thinking. And so we think it’s safer to stay in the relationship than to chance not having a chance at a relationship again. It’s the idea that something is better than nothing.”

Several years ago, “Jessica,” a visual artist (who asked that her real name not be used), was involved with a guy she describes as “perfect.” He was older, smart, charming, successful and extremely nice. “But after three years, the only thing we had in common was each other,” she says. “We were worlds apart, and there was a particular, more meaningful, intellectual connection that was lacking.”

Jessica was terrified to break up with him for a variety of reasons. “Here I was with the guy,” she says. “The guy everyone says they want to find and settle down with.” She had doubts about her vague feeling that the relationship was just a wrong fit: “If I couldn’t be happy in a relationship with him – the perfect, most agreeable guy ever – who could I ever be happy in a relationship with? Was I crazy?” Jessica was also fearful of letting other people down – not just her boyfriend, but her friends and family. She suspected that her parents were secretly saving for her wedding. The fear and guilt ate away at her for over a year.

Lombardo says that FOBU can have a negative impact on many different areas of our life: “It affects us psychologically because we start questioning ourselves, and our self-confidence takes a hit. It can affect you physically because it’s a huge stress, and it can affect your sleep and your immune system. It can affect your work because this constant worry takes up a lot of your cognitive space. And it can also affect you spiritually, even if you’re not religious, if you’re compromising your values and your true belief system.”

Erin Thompson, a Toronto playwright, was seriously stressed by a man she dated almost a decade ago. They eventually moved in together, but her boyfriend still couldn’t make real room in his life for her. One day, he announced that he was moving out east to go back to school, and that she wasn’t welcome to join him. His departure date kept changing and Erin found herself being strung along.

“In hindsight, as soon as he told me about moving away, I should have packed up all of his belongings and left them outside,” she says. “But I was afraid of what my life would be like without him. I was afraid of losing him because I was afraid I would never love anyone as much as I loved him. And staying in a common-law relationship with someone for nine months longer than I should have broke me.”

“The fear of breaking up with someone comes from the assumption that it’s better to be with someone than no one,” says Lombardo. “If you’re miserable in a relationship, you’re better off not being in a relationship at all. Your worth isn’t based on someone else hanging out with you.”

Breaking up is hard to do, but here’s some tips for taking the leap:

1. Keep talking to the people who love you. Make sure you maintain a great support network of friends and family. Nothing makes breaking up seem scarier than feeling completely isolated.

2. Try a reality check. It’s a cliché but it’s true: It’s better to be happy alone than miserable with someone else.

3. Take time for yourself. Dr. Lombardo recommends pursuing the things you love and focusing on your goals. “Just know that this time is for me to work on me,” she says. Try volunteering, a new hobby or taking a course.

4. Don’t underestimate your gut feelings. After the hurt of breaking up, Jessica was pleased to feel an enormous sense of relief. She made the right choice. “Now, I’m with a guy who isn’t perfect, but who’s the perfect guy for me.”

5. Don’t drag it out once you’ve made a decision. For Erin, lessons learned enabled her to break off another not-quite-right relationship a lot sooner. And the difference, she says, was fewer hurt feelings all around.

Have you ever broken up with someone even though you were afraid? Tell us what got you through it in the comment section below. 

131 comments on “Is fear of breaking up (FOBU) keeping you in the wrong relationship?

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  3. It’s happening to me right now. I was unhappy in my relationship for 5 months until it ended. He had no filter and told me things like he’s never been in love, doesn’t know what it feels like and doesn’t understand it. He also told me that he’s never been dumped because he was always the dumper. He said the girls fell for him more than he did for them. HE TOLD ME THIS AND I STAYED!!!
    It ended 3 weeks ago when I asked him where I fit in his life. After being together for 9 months (talking everyday and seeing each other about 5-6 times a week) his answer was “I don’t know”. I told him that I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t know where I fit in.
    This hurt my ego hard. Here I was planning on breaking it off, and he says this.
    It’s been very hard on my ego. I don’t miss him, but to hear someone say the things he did crushed me.

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    • I’m in the same situation, except we are still together. It is a long distance relationship, I am in NH and he is in Miami, Fl, PARTY CENTRAL. I found out that he has been doing coke and ecstasy behind my back, lying to me about going out until 6am several times, and I even found a girls number in his phone that he had called at 5am. he talks down to me all the time, in arguments he will tell me to shut the f up, and tells me to “listen to him” and contradicts everything he says. he constantly throws things in my face, I found a text to his ex wife that said I love you and I know you love me, at 3am, but he proclaimed it wasn’t the love I think it is because she is now lesbian and they have a child together. either way I said telling your ex wife your issues and not me, and telling her you love her at any time in the day or night is absolutely insane. after all of this, I feel terrible for wanting to break up with him because I know he has a sweet soul deep down and a good heart, and he is just lost. he is 36 and I am 22, but I just do not know what to do anymore. I know we need to break up, I cant trust him at all. but the thought of him out with other girls or doing hard drugs scares me to bits and pieces……………………..

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      • Hey, I understand your situation,and I feel terribly sorry for what has gone through your life. I know this is a late reply,, but I do hope that you are doing better. Some time in our life, we meet that one person who you think is the perfect guy or girl. You have this deep connection and everything you do always involves this person. This person becomes a huge part of your life. But as the relationship goes on, you realize that this isn’t how it was before. You start to feel unhappy about it, but you can’t break if off because you know the person you met first. You know this person. You can’t let go of all the feeling and memories you had with this person because you think that you will never be able to fall in love again and be happy. But this person isn’t that person anymore. We tend to tell subconsciously ourselfs that things will get better and that they are the right person for you. But its very very important to listen to your feelings now. Your gut instinct. And then maybe, one day, you will decide to let it go and search for a new start. And you will be very relieved and glad you have done so. Trust me, it is not easy at all, but it is for the better. I hope you make the right decisions! Good luck.

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      • It’s sounds like this partner of yours really isn’t very mature or concerned with your feelings. I think trust is a main part of a distance relationship, and obviously you don’t feel that. You are so young, surround yourself with people who will help to improve you, not make you stressed and who use drugs. Find the courage to end it, in the end you can’t help someone completely, they have to help themselves and you could be spending so much of your time worrying on yourself x

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    • Im in i guess the same situation. but its all so complicated i cant type it in one simple message. shes 50 and im 21 and we met in AA and been together for over a year and a half. I dont know what to do. I feel like im not good enough and whatever i do is just a temporary fix

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    • it is also happening to me

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    • Try that response after 6 years

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  4. Im in a situation where I don’t know how I can break up with my bf. We been together for 10 months and it’s a long distance relationship.He’s amazing he treats me like a princess and everything but he’s to clingy,overprotected an jealous and he gets mad for no reason? I love that he’s like that cuz it makes me feel loved and special but he’s always on my ass over everything and I don’t know what to do? I want a break and I talked to him about it and he responds saying “Oh who ur talking to”? “Your going to find someone better than me”? It drives me crazy and i can’t stand it anymore. When I want to go do something he get’s sad and mad about it and it’s not fair because I don’t tell him anything when he hangs out with his friends because I want him to have his own space and be happy. I don’t know what to tell him anymore instead of him responding back whining or crying. I’m basically the man in the relationship an I don’t like it. I see him as my future husband and everything and I told him how i feel about him but i feel like he just fakes about what he says and whine just to get what he wants. I feel trapped because I can’t talk to anyone and my friends because he gets mad about it! I stopped doing everything just because of him and he doesn’t see it and just wants to be clingy. He tells me the same things everyday like how much he loves me and stuff like everyday we argue my feelings for him fade away alittle bit by little, He’s kinda borring me because we talk 24/7 and I don’t want to tell him that because It will hurt his feelings . So Can someone give me advice?<3 Please (:

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    • You are supposed to be with someone that walks by your side, not someone that wants to close you in a cage and pressure you into abandoning the things you like. “I stopped doing everything because of him” is a huge red flag, in my personal opinion. He sounds quite self-centered and clingy to me, maybe even manipulative. And you don’t sound very happy to me, either, which is the most important.

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    • End the relationship… I know it’s hard. I married someone that I had doubts about. I regretted it many times before we finally divorced after 13 years of marriage. You know you deserve better. Don’t settle for someone you don’t want.

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      • I just wanted to thank you for sharing this, i’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months, but after that long i sill can’t settle because he’s just not the one and i’m shore , I love him, but marrying him would be the most heartbreaking and tragic thing, my love for him is just a habit btw no one will love me this much i know .

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    • Oh my god it’s like I wrote this about my boyfriend, word by word. Is his sign cancer by any chance?

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      • Oh my GOD same for me!!!! AND he was a cancer!! They’re CRAZY!

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        • I was going to type the same thing. I see I’m not alone. Gemini BTW.

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        • Omg me too! My bf is a cancer and he is so controlling and when he gets upset he is so disrespectful. The only reason why I’m hear is because I needed to hear other stories. It is so incredibly hard to let go. Especially when there are many times that he is so sweet, considerate, and loving. But now I see, there is no reason to be with this man when he can be so mean, possessive , and unloving. Thank you all for sharing. It has helped me

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          • OMFG this is happening to me too right now. And he is Cancer!!! Are they all the same?? I mean. Kassidee described My BF exactly. I broke up with him today and having second thoughts… but I’ll stay strong. Im reading stuff online and found comfort in your stories. Thanks for sharing.

          • I asked my Cancer man to move out tonite.. I love his good side but his temper is emotionally destructive to me . Its been different between us for months. I realized that my biggest fear is not being able to afford the house & bills without him.. Not losing him.

            He agreed i deserved better (obvi) and left. My friend is leaving her man too, shes moving in.. life goes on.

            I feel I gained some of my self worth back when I pulled the trigger tonite.

            No more lies, verbal abuse, or broken furniture. YAY

          • Wow! My Cancer boyfriend is also described to a T above! And, he is so manipulative. He will start a ‘discussion’ with me and degrade me then expect to have sex with him and wonder why I’m not ‘into it’. He has been pressuring me to move in and sell my house because we have been dating for 3 years. I am an educated, successful and in general strong woman whose self esteem has hit bottom and I have not been happy or content for some time. Why do I find it so hard to end this when IKNOW it isn’t right. He has isolated me because I should be with him whenever I am not working and is so mean and angry if I want to get together with friends. So so so thankful I found these posts. My decision in my heart and mind is made now I need to follow through. Even though of course “I will be nothing without him”.

      • OMG this is the same for me! Like I’m bored and want more yet he is over here telling me he loves me and is ready to put a ring on my finger.
        My boyfriend is a cancer.

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    • This is my husband to a T!!! I can’t breathe without him accusing me of “who am i talking to” i have never given him a reason to believe otherwise, yet I found porn in our home, phone logs of him talking to other girls at all hours of the night when we were on a “break” because I was pregnant and he refused to believe it was his. We fought so much it ended in a miscarraige. Now, he’s causing my son (from my previous marraige) to have anxiety issues. Enough is enough, and I’m not filing for divorce. Be true to yourself, you deserve so much better. Trust me i know it’s hard, it’s taken me SO long to get to this breaking point. I even took him back after I found his profile on a popular sex dating website. Enough is ENOUGH!

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    • That’s like my same exact situation right now!! I don’t know what to do. it is so frustrating I should leave him but i love him too much. We have grown so much together but he is very jealous and over protective.. We’ve been together for over a year. its so hard.

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  5. I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years yesterday and now I’m terrified. I can’t stop crying but I can’t bring myself to text to call him even thought I am hoping he will. I broke with him because we got together young and I feel he resents me because I’ve been his one and only girlfriend and now he wants to live the “single” life he wants to have new experiences with other girls. Anytime I would introduce him to one of my attractive girl friends he would latch on and ask them personal questions and just txt them really inappropriate things that if I ever did anything like that I know that he wouldn’t like it either. I love being with him i love him so much we have so much fun together and other than that he treats me amazing. I’m so confused and angry. I don’t want to be with anybody else. I also don’t want to tell anyone because that will make it all the more real I feel so alone. I’ve read a million internet sites they all say “time” will heal all. I just want everything to be like it was. I really hate this.

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    • karen, i’ve been being that kind of boyfriend lately, i just broke it off after almost 2 years. i couldnt stand to be around her knowing she loved me so much and i was just there not to hurt her. i felt we were more like friends, and just had the title of boyfriend and girlfriend, we joked, played games, baseball. but when it came to affection i would back out of kisses and hugs, i just feel like we were more of friends. it hurt me to see her cry. im stll hurt as this just happened, any tips on how you two worked out? thanks

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      • Troy, I’m currently in a very similar relationship and am very scared of breaking her heart. I feel like my fear of hurting her is keeping me in the relationship. I really relate to the article’s anecdote about Jessica who was with a great all around person but lacked “a meaningful intellectual connection.” I’m also not feeling the kind of chemistry necessary to sustain a life-long commitment. We’ve been together about a year and a half. Essentially, she hasn’t done anything wrong and at the same time she wears her heart on her sleeve, and I care about her a lot, so I’m finding it really difficult to break things off. How did you go about it? A female perspective would also be greatly appreciated.

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        • I’m that girl wearing her heart on her sleeve, Gavin. After a 5 year relationship things ended last night between my girlfriend and I. She has been seeing another girl and we’ve been on a break for about 3 months and now decided that she can’t do this to me anymore and we fully broke up. I love her so much and she tells me that she loves me too but lately her romantic feelings have faded. She wants to remain friends but I don’t know if thats possible. I can’t picture my life without her though…we were best friends for 2 years before our relationship so I’ve known her for 7 years and am so afraid to stop talking to her. She has also told me that she still sees us together in the future….this gives me false hope and I’m afraid it will keep me from moving on. Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Any advice?

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        • This is my relationship! (He’s 34, I’m 26) I’ve known my boyfriend 4 years, been dating 3, and now we’ve been living together going on 2. When I try to picture myself in the long run, deep down I know it’s not with him. I can’t bring myself to actually go through with a breakup, however. I have never been in a relationship so I’ve never had to deal with breakups and I have no idea what its going to feel like, but I know every time I think about it I get SO anxious and sick to my stomach. I start thinking about where I am going to live and how horrible it’s going to feel when I have to move all my things out of the house. And all just because I don’t feel like he’s the one for me. I am going to break his heart and I don’t want him to feel rejected, but thats what I would be doing to him. I wish he was mean or inconsiderate so I COULD have a reason to break things off, but he’s not. He’s a pretty good boyfriend to me. The only thing I don’t like is his drinking. He drinks to excess and that does bug the hell out of me. I wish someone had all the answers for us and the easy way out but there’s not one. I just hope I can find the courage to sit down and talk to him about everything before its 5 years later and I still feel the same way.

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        • I’m wondering if you can help me out, Troy or anyone in the same situation as you. I feel like I am in the same exact position with my boyfriend. He is amazing and everything I think I want in a guy, but for awhile now I just seem to have lost feelings. He hasn’t done anything wrong, but I don’t think I can continue on in the relationship. I am still young and feel like if we are meant to be together than we will find each other again in the future. I don’t know what to do and all I know is I will hurt him so badly by ending it. I just feel like that is the right thing to do. I just need advice.

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      • That is me!!! I feel evil for wanting to break up with someone who loves me so much. So how did things work out?

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        • I share the same feels Jared. I don’t know how we’re gonna do it buddy!

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          • Well for me.. it’s different. We’re still together but I’m not happy. I dont know why.. its not his fault. But I feel insecure ever since we got together and he was never there to make me feel better. We would go on dates and there will always be an argument, be it small or big. Sometimes I just want him to say nice things to me.. or compliment me. Is that considered demanding..? On days we don’t meet, our texts are mostly empty. Things like “what are you doing” and “Im bored” or “hello”. Idk.. I feel like im the problem. Like I am never happy. He always say that he loves me but I don’t see it. He does nothing about it and our arguments are awful. I start to question myself if I love him too.. What does love feel like? I’m very confused.. How can I still not know after almost 3 years with him. I see myself marrying him but I wont be happy. What do I do?

          • This is acutally a reply for Jane.
            I know how you feel, sadly.
            I have been with my bf for over 4 years now.
            When we met it was perfect and romantic and we moved in together after 4 months, Then the arguments started because he was a video gaming addict and this made me feel insecure and unloved as his gaming would always come first.
            We then decided to live separately, which was very hard. During this time he made it clear that he was focusing on himself, seeing his friends and gaming with them. He would only make time for me when I would go and see him, yet I still had to bring a book or something to do as he would still not move from his computer. This made me completely lose any sense of self and value as I felt so uneeded, unwanted, unappreciated and unloved. But then of course, from time to time he would be very affectionate, and this always gave me hope that if he really did things could change. I could also see myself getting engaged to him and making this relationship work and be perfect.
            We got into so many arguments concerning this, which he always made out to be my fault for being to dependent on him.
            We then moved to another country, where we only had each other and moved in together again. As a new start, new career, everything.
            But things started to go wrong very quickly when I would do all the research to find us a flat, and he would just be gaming and not even looking for work.
            We lived together for about 6 months until I could stand it no more… again. He had a job but would still go to sleep at 5am because of his gaming, whilst we were in the same room, which made me go insane!
            He moved out, but we ended up staying together, probably out of fear o being completely alone in a new country. He got so depressed about living away from me that he ended up leaving the country to go back home, without even consulting me on this decision! I ended up therefore truly alone and abandoned,

            After a couple of months of him leaving, and of hell and crying and feeling lower than ever, he started contacting me again, saying he had made a mistake, wanted to come back, would change for me etc. I didn’t trust him, but let him persuade me.
            He sold his PS3 ad his computer to be able to afford to come back. He returned in January, a completely different person. He even mentioned engagement!
            It took me 4 months to trust him again, after also numerous arguments of him saying that he had changed, I need to give him a chance etc. In all that time, he was perfect and did no gaming, even though he still remained self centered and able to get what he wanted from me.
            I ended up falling in love all over again, and moved i with him in August.
            Since then, things have gone down hill and about a month ago he bought a new phone on which he can play very sophisticated games again. He is on it 24/7, and even takes his phone to the toilet!
            His is still affectionate, cooks for me etc, but always in his own time. We go out more than we used to, but every other second is spent gaming, and I’m not sure I can cope with feeling second best to a game again….
            I am terrified of breaking up as he has drilled into me that I expect too much of him and want a perfect relationship which is impossible, and purposely make myself miserable, He says he loves me, but I don’t see it, nor do I see respect. He never asks me anything about me or what I do, just the standard “had a good day?”, I really feel like he doesn’t care at all. When I sometimes mention engagement, he gets angry and calls me stupid as “our relationship isn’t good enough”, so why did he mention it in the first place?
            Out of sheer frustration I think all feelings for him have gone, yet I’m hanging on hoping he will change, as I know it is possible because he had done so for a few months.
            I am also terrified of being alone, and as I’m very sensitive I am terrified of the blow of a breakup, again. I feel it is the right thing to do, but after 4 and a half years, I know this will really mean the end…

            Has anyone been in a similar situation and come out the other side?
            Or do you think I’m over reacting?
            We are still together in this odd comfort zone, and I’ve even tried talking to him about it, but he just doesn’t reply and stares at his phone…

          • Oh and of course, I forgot to mention that I am the one that does everything: the dishes, the cleaning, tidying up his stuff, the shopping… And he doesn’t ever thank me. I’ve always had to do it as if I waited for him to do it I would have to nag as him or his gaming would come first. I’m guessing now he is used to me doing everything as if I’m expected to. I feel like his slave..

          • Olivia –

            I am going through a similar thing. My boyfriend is also VERY into gaming. We essentially moved in together after a few months as well. Like you said, he would be on his computer while I just sit on his bed doing something else, completely ignored. I do everything for him, cook for him, clean for him, and he just kiinda expects that. He became more distant, I noticed about 2 months ago, and brought it up to him about a month later. He proceeded to tell me that he didnt know what he wanted out of the relationship and that it was all moving too fast. He has never told me that he loves me, only that he cares deeply about me. He says he never uses the word “love” because he doesnt know what it means, and it means so many different things to different people. He also told me he struggles with monogamy. This is what hurt me the most. Knowing that all the time, he thinks about sleeping with other girls, and had trouble staying faithful to me.

            We are currently on a break. Which I was completely against, knowing how he feels. I love him and want to be with him, if he can change. This time apart has made me realize that even though I want so badly to be with him, I am not willing to sacrifice things that are important to me. I hope he comes back from this changed (and not having slept with anyone else). But I am currently preparing myself to have to break things off, because I dont think he can commit to me. Which breaks my heart. I have cried every day and had nightmares for the last three weeks. It is so hard. But if he doesnt change you should break it off. I dont know what my life will be without him. Going from spending every day together to breaking up so quickly is heartbreaking. But if it has to be done, do it. Dont put yourself through heartbreak again.

    • Dear Karen,
      Ye, it’s hard to accept that “time” will heal all when we’re in the middle of it and just so sad and scared. I just broke up with my partner of 15 years. It’s almost been two weeks now. I don’t think there is anything you can do to make the healing really go faster, but to go through it. I really find meditating helps and practicing gratitude as in if I can take a moment to stop feeling like my world is ending and find a small very simple miracle to appreciate. I’ve also found visualization helpful. For example, I picture that I’m in in outer space, and looking down on the earth and it looks so peaceful and quiet as if nothing has really changed (i.e. my sadness and the end of my relationship isn’t really having any effect on the earth). I’m also finding that writing to you is helpful. Wow, I just saw the date that you wrote, back in May. It’s been 6 months. I wonder if you’re in a totally different place now

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      • Sheila I am in a similiar situation. Can u share ur email id > want do discuss my situation ….

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        • You all can also contact me…..Going through the SAME exact thing over here…..5 year relationship for me.

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      • Some advice to all of you unsure about your relationship. You cant change someone who doesnt want to change. If they are only doing it for you, not for themselves, it will almost always be temporary until they get you back. They miss you and feel bad, so are able to change things because that feeling is stronger than their addiction at that time, but as soon as things are comfortable again those priorities will change. If you guy wants to change for himself, for his own well being or self improvement, and not just you, then there may be hope. You can encourage him, but it has to be motivation from within for it to last. If you are putting in more than 50% of the effort in this relationship to make it work, you will end up resentful and unhappy.

        We are not looking for perfection, but we need someone that balances our strengths and weaknesses. It doesnt mean everything is literally 50/50, as one of you could be stronger in one area than the other, and that certainly doesnt mean you wont fight. Sometimes it is just not the right time, place, or person… and if on the whole you feel drained versus energized by being with that person, then it may not be the right fit. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship, trust me. If you have never been alone, take this chance to figure out who you really are, what you really want without having to compromise for someone else. Its really a great feeling, and will make you a stronger person. It also will help take away the fear of leaving someone, because you dont really need to be with someone, you only want to be with that person.

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        • I have been in a long distance relationship (4 hour distance) for 6 months. I feel awful because there is no “spark” in the relationship. She is loving,kind, generous, and finally someone who can reciprocate the love I am capable of giving. She is planning to move to the city I live in soon and I am confused.She is probably the best person i have ever dated but I just don’t feel a real connection. I have been in several bad relationships so I feel like if I let her go I will be sorry later.I am upset with myself for having a better connection with people who were way less deserving. I keep thinking I will learn to be in love with her. She meets all of the important things on the list of what I am looking for in a partner but I just don’t know why the feelings aren’t deeper for her. I had connections with people in the past that were stronger but there were other issues with them that were things I just couldn’t compromise on. With my girlfriend the things I don’t like are relatively small issues that aren’t a big deal. I am turning 40 and am anxious to settle down and have a family and I think she is the type of person that would be great to do this with because of her qualities. At this stage of my life, it would be easier if she was treating me badly because then I could let go. I keep thinking that everyone settles in relationships because no match is perfect so I would rather settle on small issues than big ones. Help I am confused and need to figure this out before she moves here. For the record, I wouldn’t cheat or treat her badly if we stayed together, I just think I will be going through the motions, hoping to fall in love.

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  6. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2 and half years, and I love her so much, but we don’t have sexual chemistry. Everything else in the relationship is great, except for the intimacy part. I don’t know what to do! I already talked to her about my needs and about this situation, but nothing changes. I’m afraid because I really do love her, but at the same time, I think sex is also an important aspect. To make things worse, we are supposed to get married in 2 months. I don’t want to hurt her, and we already have almost all the wedding planned out. Am I just having “cold feet”? What should I do? I really do love her.

    Reply

    • Hey Guy, just curious… how did it all go for you? Did you get married despite your cold feet?
      I wish you the best anyway, and to be happy whatever decision you’ve made…

      Reply

  7. I recently broke up with my high school sweetheart boyfriend of 7 years. We’ve had some amazing times yet some bad times and I was starting to feel like just a roommate or a friend. We currently still live together but have been broken up for two months, and on top of it I have been hanging out with another guy that is amazing. My head is all sorts of confused. One day I think I’m making a mistake and should go back to him and shouldn’t throw away the 7 years of memories we have invested and other days I feel like I”m finally free and can do the things I want – room for opportunities in my life. I’m about to sign a lease for my own place but I’m still hesitant! why? I don’t know why I can’t just move on. I don’t think I want to be back with him because we are just long overdue, yet it is so hard to let go.

    Reply

  8. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5yrs. We met in a small town (in the beautiful mountains) I had moved to from a big city and we instantly had this chemistry. I fell in love with this guy and the amazing thing about him is he really has all the qualities I look for in a man. I moved in with him just over a year ago and I have found myself feeling empty and I know what it is but haven’t a clue how to handle it. I am a very outdoors type person, love the woods, camping, mountains ect. and since moving to the city to be with him I am struggling internally to be happy about my move. Of all the wonderful things we share and have in common, the one thing we don’t is the one thing that is leaving me feeling like I am not being true to who I really am as a person. The perfect solution would be for us to move back to the mountains together as that is where my passion and lust for outdoors lies.. but I know this can never be. He owns a house in the city and has every intention of sharing the rest of his life with me. But here I am with this dull ache inside that keeps me from feeling completely committed to this guy and the life he wants for us because I absolutely hate living in a big city. I know he is picking up on some vibes from me and I feel so guilty and selfish but I can’t shake the feeling. I feel I am soon headed for a crossroads and will have to make one of the biggest and hardest decisions thus far in my life. What does a person do when they have the so called “perfect guy” but yet still feel such an emptiness inside? If I stay I fear I will resent him and that’s not fair at all.. but if I go, I will hurt him and it might not even be what I really want, maybe just what I think I do to make me happy. I feel more awful for him because he is so wonderful and loves me dearly and my dog and yet here I am torn as to whether to stay or leave. It’s just not fair to him at all :(

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  9. I’ve only been with my boyfriend for about a month… I already know he’s not someone I wanna be with… I’m in going into 9th grade and he’s only one grade ahead, but he talks about sex and… He asks my underwear color and stuff… The point is that I really like him, but he’s not for me. How do I break it off?
    I can’t tell him in person because I live miles away, and I’d have no transportation. I don’t want to hurt him… But I’m only 14 and he’s talking about this stuff! It makes me miserable… And I don’t know if I can talk to my friends about it… Please help!!!

    Reply

    • You’re very young and you have plenty of opportunities to meet a great guy in the future. If this relationship makes you unhappy you should just break it off. You’ll find a good guy that you feel connected to emotionally and intellectually. If you can’t break up in person, you can message him or something. Let him down easy. You can say you don’t want to date because you want to focus on studying. You only dated for one month so not breaking up in person should be fine. Good luck!

      Reply

  10. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and a half. He’s the first younger man I’ve ever dated and all of my ex boyfriends were older than me. I soon realised why I had a tendency to date older guys when my current boyfriend spent most parties and celebrations outside blowing up all sorts of things with fire crackers rather than mingling with people. I avoid all upscale places and events because I don’t feel like he can handle or keep up with conversations. So, we both do our own thing, which I didn’t mind at the beginning but it’s definitely contributed to us growing apart. I’m a city women that enjoys wining, dancing and dining. He’s a suburbs guy that enjoys the great outdoors. I’m a career driven, disciplined and independent women. He’s a very mellow, nonchalant and quiet lazy guy. A year ago, he offered to sell his share of a house he owned with his brother in order to buy a new house to share with me. I accepted with hesitations but decided to take the plunge. After a few months, I noticed that he wasn’t paying his bills, not taking care of very important things and leaving me to handle everything. At first he told me that he didn’t know how to be more responsible so I decided to help and teach him. I even hired a personal financial consultant but, he didn’t even bother to keep up with his finances, nor has he been able to keep a steady job. Here I am a year later, frustrated, upset, unhappy, unfulfilled and disappointed. I truly feel like I’ve done everything to try and change the situation and make him understand that this type of life is not for me but he’s managed to give me excuses for everything, and more importantly, to manipulate me with guilt. He’s said things like “I’m a failure, if you leave me it would be the end of my world”. I feel trapped, guilty and horrible but on the other end, I feel like he is dragging me down with him. Yet, I can’t bring myself to leave him, I feel like the bad person leaving the nice guy that is trying so hard. I honestly care for him very much but I think the love has definitely disappeared. Signed, a sad lover.

    Reply

    • Hi Brenda
      It sounds like, to me, that you are enabling him to use you. My world isn’t perfect, that’s why I’m here looking for advise. I sound a lot like you, but I can see this relationship that you are in is one-sided. Find yourself a sweet man your age & your problems of immaturity will at least go away. Good luck.

      Reply

  11. To all the women whos talking about their messed up relationshipships with men, Im seeing one thing in common with all of you, after you list all the evil things they do you all say “I LOVE HIM SO MUCH”. guess what ladies, he dont “LOVE YOU SO MUCH BACK”. Until you start to LOVE YOURSELF SO MUCH, you will continue to allow someone to ill treat you. you must love yourself before you can love someone else . How can you claim you love a man so much yet he treats you like crap and you stay then you say you love yourself at the same time, it dont work that way. You need to learn to love your damn self, when you trully love you and what you are as a woman you will know your worth and know that no man has a right to treat you like crap, you will stop settling for shit because you will understand your worth. I dont mean to lecture but I have been where you women are, it wasnt until I stop to look within and see that i did not love myself. I could not fix what was wrong, the men were treating me like I treated myself, but once I started loving ME and treating me like a queen I attracted a man that did the same…………………so ladies reality check, word up……stop crying over spilled milk, begin to love you and the right man will come to you

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  12. Gavin,

    I once read a quote that said “sometimes you have to have the courage to break your own heart”. Although hurting her may essentially hurt you, you must gather the courage to do it. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn’t want you to stay in the relationship if you weren’t truly happy. Because in doing so, you are limiting yourself and your life tremendously. Love is a beautiful thing, and when you really find it, you will see that all of pain, hurt, and moments of loneliness you may endure to get there will be so worth it. Remember that your happiness matters too. Read the article that’s addressed below. I think it’ll ignite a fresh perspective.
    Good luck!

    http://thoughtcatalog.com/brianna-wiest/2013/04/if-you-want-extraordinary-love-you-need-to-fight-for-it/

    Reply

  13. I’ve been dating a guy for 6 months now. Right from the beginning I knew that we would eventually have an expiration day because he was not the kind of guy I was looking for for long term. I decided to date him because he’s a great guy and I just wanted to enjoy each other’s company and not think too much. However, lately it suddenly hit me that why am I wasting my time on a guy that I have no future with? Even though I’m still quite young. 18 only. And I’m wondering if I should break up with him and start looking for a true love. A love that can grow into something real and a guy who has everything I’m looking for. I really care for him and I don’t want to lose him. I’m thinking it’s just a matter of time and I will eventually need to break up with him. However, I still have some doubts. What if I never find a better guy? I just don’t think he’s the right person for me. I was deciding to break up with him a few days ago but I didn’t do it. I really like him. Should I break up with him now or should I think about it longer? If I wait is it possible that he will become the person I’m looking for or will it just hurt both of us more? Please help me.

    Reply

    • And I forgot to mention that the reason why I don’t think he’s right for me is because I don’t feel the connection. I don’t feel like we’re a team. Also he’s a bit immature-in both actions and thoughts. Will he grow up if time goes by? Or should I just break up with him and find a guy that has everything I’m looking for? I’m afraid if I’m just focussing on his flaws but once I break up with him I may realize he’s pretty great??

      Reply

  14. I am in a similar situation and dont know what to do. Me and my bf have been together for nearly a year and we even got engaged. I love him but i have put up with too much from the beginning. From day one i helped him with money and am currently the one working. I feel at times dont get the respect or the trust i need as he doesnt trust me and he is quite jealous and controlling. I mean he goes wherever he wants to go and comes home like very late and gets annoyed when i question him.

    As time goes by i feel maybe we havent got a lot of things in common and there is no communication. Lately he is at his phone all the time we dont really interact or talk unless there is sex involved. I am scared of leaving him as dont know whether i will find someone else and i also know it will break him. i gave him so many chances especially with finances and him going out and drinking but feels am talking to the wall!!! i know i should leave because he mght not change???

    Reply

    • Break up with him ASAP, trust me I was sort of your bf in my last relationship. Unless he starts getting some serious therapy and addresses his own personal issues, he most likely will not change. Trust me you don’t deserve any of this right now, yeah most couples have problems, but in your situation it sounds very lopsided. Not fair for both parties, get this taken care of.

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  15. I’ll be blunt, I had an amazing girlfriend and I was the biggest jerk and just an overall asshole with her. I lied, cheated, and manipulated her. But her love for me was so strong she still forgave me time and time again. I had to go with my heart and break up with her after 2 and 1/2 years, the guilt and pain was just killing me. I would always ask myself ‘how could you be so cruel to such a sweet loving person?’. After admitting to everything, we still remained great friends, pretty much I was that chill guy friend for a bit. She then meet some one else and for some reason it left me devastated because he sounds so ‘perfect’ for her and is doing everything right by her. I’ve been fighting severe depression and in therapy I’ve been told about how much emotional baggage I’ve been carrying around for years. I’m really working hard to better myself and to become that respectable man every great woman wants in her life. I beat myself up over all the pain I inflicted on this beautiful intelligent woman. Anyone have any helpful advice?

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  16. I have been with the same person for over 24 years. We have been through alot together. I have feeling sterssed because we are going through a tough financial period. Even though he’s paying for most of the bills, he can’t pay for everything. Sometimes I feel resentment towards him because I can’t afford to work part time but I have to work full time. We used to own a house and he complained that he has a sore back so we decided to rent a condo and I hate it! I miss my house and I regret being in a condo and I’m depressed because he says owning a house is not affordable. I know regret when we had a chance to buy a house. People tell me thst I’m more negative since I have been with him. We have a lot in common but I like calling my friends and he seems to bother him. I wish he had more friends. It is very hard for intimacy because we are to stressed and not relaxed. Sometimes I don’t look forward to coming to the condo. People tell me that it’s not small yet I don’t want to be there. We own a property that is smaller than my condo yet I’m ok when I spend weekends there. I like spending time with him but sometimes I feel anxious around him. Even though were struggling, I keep trying to be pisitive. I never thought about our finances now I fear our future. We both suffer from anxiety and panic and sometimes I wish I would have married a man with more stability. Should I reconsider my relationship? We have great communication and we like the same things. Any advice is appreciated.
    Thanks

    Reply

  17. I’ve read this article and felt that this is me. I am so afraid of breaking up with my boyfriend of 9years. We lived together in one country and he moved back to his home country a year ago. I’ve tried my very best to visit him every 2 months when he visited me once in this 1 year time. now that I am moving back to my own country but no active approach from him to come and see me even. He won’t text me or call me everyday since he left. i was the one who is chasing. But how do I get rid of this fear as I love him so much and I am scare that I will be lost without him :( any ideas guys !!!

    Reply

  18. I had the same situation with “Jessica” . I was in a relationship with a guy for 3 years. My parents loved him and every friend thinks that he is really a nice guy as he is very quiet, honest and obedient — everything perfect thing anyone can ever have.
    He always take good care of me, clean my dishes, drive me to anywhere, always okay with anything when i needed help.
    I struggled for a long time when one day I realise that besides this, he doesn’t think there’s anything he can do to me. I start to realise he doesn’t love me actually, he is just comfortable with me and is used to be with me. I tried to bring out this to him, hoping we can solve this problem together but he just kept avoiding me, acting stupid or even just kept quiet and pretend to fall asleep.
    After a few months I told him nicely that I think it’s better for both of us to be just friends, but he declined. The sadness in his eyes made me stay. But things didn’t improved. Finally I decided to text him for the break up and packed up all his things and ask him to come take it when I’m not at home. He didn’t reply. He then did something he never did for 3 years: he text me asking what was I doing, where am I, and gave me a smiley. By that time I was more sure that I would NOT be with him because he will only start to really care about me when I’m gone. This is not the kind of guy I wanted to be with.
    It was hard though, my family was startled and my mum was so anxious about our break up. Many of my friends told me that i shouldn’t treat him like that and said I was his true love etc etc stuffs. But deep in my heart, i never felt so relaxed before. I’m glad that I have the courage to end a long-term relationship, choosing to listen to my heart.
    Now, I’m with a guy that really take good care of my feelings and like a best friend to me.

    Reply

  19. So i was dating this guy who i really liked and we both ended up going to different schools so i barely ever saw him. This was r
    Really hard for me because i just didnt know where our
    Relationship was going. i told him that, and he thinks we half
    Broke up. Im not sure what to do because i still want to be
    with him but not if we dont do any thing. Do you have any advise.

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  20. So ive been dating this guy i rilly like, and recently we both went to different schools. I barely see him any more so i texted him saying that i still liked him and where our relationship was headed and that i didn’t want this tying us down. I guess he thinks we half broke up or something and im not sure what to do now because i still like him and i dont want to break up with him but if we are dating we might as well at least hang out more often. Any advice?

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  21. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN, know the red flags! is the advice I learned from a 1 year nightmare relationship. Rushed into it, didn’t get to know him. He started out sweet but on the first date he used his phone at the table, same for many dates after, claimed he needed to know if his friends were okay from a bad past experience. He had a best friend who always contacted him no matter what he was doing and this best friend hated me, ever since I stood up for myself against his misogynistic jokes. The guy I dated said I took things too personally. I couldn’t share anything with him, my thoughts my heartaches in the past, he said I needed a therapist and that I couldn’t rely on him and that he wish I had someone to talk to! A partner is supposed to be there for you. His friends were awful, they would get together and get drunk, drive drunk, bar hop and want to go to strip clubs or casinos frequently. This guy also wanted to keep in touch with an ex who kept trying to get back with him in the past, He also had a female friend who would visit his house once a year, she claimed to have a boyfriend but when I asked her to meet us with her boyfriend she refused! My bullshit meter was overloaded. He would fight with me and never solve anything or make decisions on his own. He was constantly looking at other women in front of me and to make things worse he constantly smiled to himself about other women, girls he tried to date, his exes. All he would talk about was one of his exes. we would have no conversation. What’s sad is that I let this all go on for too long. He made it clear that my feelings don’t mean anything to him, he put no effort in the relationship or building my trust. The final straw was when I had asked him to not have his friend come over to smoke a cigarette outside because he would talk him into doing things and he did it anyway. I ended it because he was a liar, he used me and all he would try to do to make me happy was buy me things. The sex was bad too. I deserve better, No one should have to suffer like that.

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  22. I am 65 yrs old and have dated the most wonderful, caring and giving man in my life. We have broken up during our 5 yr. relationship twice, 3 months the first time, 9 months the second. This is our third time. As good as a man that he is, after 2 yrs. he was no longer interested in any form of intimacy nor able to display affection. He is also the most boring man. But he cared for me and treated me like a queen like no man before ever has. Also, he told me right from the beginning that he does not and will never love me, because he has never loved anyone in his life. He has never married and has no children either. I have been married twice. After our second breakup I was so suicidal that he had me committed to a mental institution. Now I am daily preoccupied with thoughts of suicide. Both of us suffer from clinical depression, I take medication. I am an intelligent person, but my emotions are totally out of control. I have no family nor friends, Both of us are recluses. I also retired 3 months ago and virtually never leave my bed. I lack total motivation other than to beg him to take me back. I try very hard not to contact me, but when I reach an especially low point I do call him. He wants nothing more to do with me, says we are toxic for each other. I am afraid the day is nearing where I will reach my breaking point and overdose, it’s all planned out. I have better sense than to loose my life over a man, yet I feel that my life is worthless without him. I am at my wits end.

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  23. I’ll be the first to acknowledge I have “Daddy” issues. My dad passed away 20 years ago. He was 6’3”, handsome, personable where everyone loved him, flirtatious with the ladies. He was also an alcoholic with deep wounds. I fell in love with his younger clone. Exact same traits, right down to the alcoholic with deep wounds. Unfortunately my mate wouldn’t acknowledge he was an alcoholic or that he had wounds. Yet he flirted with women, texting them behind my back, sending his ex-wife “please forgive me, I’ll love you forever” messages, accusing me of cheating on him then wallowing in pity & getting drunk with strangers whenever I was upset with him. Drunk driving, trashing his vehicles repeatedly and not remembering what happened.
    I was a drunk myself, sober 9 years now. I had already lived the dysfunctional life. So based on my own experiences, I tried teaching him about triggers and about tools to help himself. I got him into therapy which he attended for a short while to please me. I bought him books. But as every addict knows, you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.
    After 4 years I finally had to walk away just recently, knowing that when this man is sober, he’s the sweetest, most loving individual I had ever met. Knowing that my family loved him as well, but they didn’t know his dark side. He’s excellent with his masks after all, the Knight In Shining Armor, the perfect man.
    But having lived my own dysfunctional life for so many years and then working my ass off to say sober and earn the respect of everyone who’s trust I had broken through the years…I knew I had to take care of myself first. I’m blessed that my family has always loved me and always had hope for me. I now have both their love AND respect. And it’s that very support that’s been my blessing in this break up.
    I know there’s someone else out there for me…someone with my ex’s good looks, his loving nature, his kind heart, but more importantly a man who acknowledges the demons within and has the courage to face them. And it’s THAT man that I deserve. Not the addict I lived with who wouldn’t face the shadows in his closet.

    PS: I’ll be attending “Shadow Works” therapy soon to deal with my “Daddy” issues :)

    Reply

  24. I find myself in this position right now. Only, I’ve been in this relationship for 11 1/2 yrs. I have raised his son as my own since he was 1 1/2 yrs old. He proposed 7 yrs ago, with a ring- even though he & his wife have been seperated for 18 yrs, they are still not divorced. We are in or 50’s, live in a very small town. He has always been a drinker, but began drinking heavily 10 months ago, AFTER a major heart attack! He is breaking us financially, & retirement is going to be rocky if this continues. But how can I leave, I would also be leaving my son. How can I leave my partner when he has an illness? Even though he has mastered the art of seeing, but remaining blind to what is happening around him. How can I leave my son, in an alcoholic atmosphere? But this is turning me into someone I don’t recognize. It is ruining me financially. I cannot reconcile my list of positives & negatives in any that tells me what to do?

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  25. I’ve read through this I’m still a bit stuck I’m just more afraid of hurting her I’m her first boyfriend..

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  26. there is a girl who i really like but the thing is im stuck on her but what i really want is that the girl who i love i NEVER WANT TO BREAK UP WITH HER NEVER because i really love her

    Reply

  27. How stupid I have been. I am with someone for 7 1/2 yrs. He went away to work 5 yrs ago in another province and I believe he had sex with someone he met. He was gone for 3 wks. When he came back he treated me like the plague for 2 wks. He wasn’t interested in sex, even though he has a great libido. I found he has been in contact all these past yrs, Texting and phone calls. Then I just found out he was seeing someone in another town, Texting all the time. Also sending suggestive photos. I know Because I couldn’t stand all the texting late at night, so I peeked in his phone. Wrong , I know, but he wouldn’t talk to me. He would get defensive and manipulate the conversation and then I would believe him. I know the red flags were there all along. I have been such a chump. Someone once called me an easy sap. So true. I tried again to talk and got shut down, so I wrote everything down. I told him off in a letter. He didn’t talk to me for 4 days and then he told he loved me. No answers to anything in my letter. As if I didn’t write it. No response to me is that everything was the truth in the letter. I don’t know what to do. Too many feelings going on. A lot of yrs in my commitment. He is a nice guy. And I know I shouldn’t be just an option. I peeked in the phone this morning and lo behold he text the one in the other province. So That’s it for me. I made a decision. But I have to wait until he comes back. He has gone hunting for 10 days. Why do guys do this to women. I do a lot for him. I at least have my own place, thankyou. Still it is not easy when there are feelings. You get a tightness in the chest and feel so betrayed. This texting is very destructive, because the photos were nude and very suggestive. So people out there smarten up with this crap. Secretive texting is ignorant and damaging. Be real and leave the phone alone. Don’t keep someone hanging if you aren’t happy. People don’t deserve that kind of abuse.

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  28. I found myself in a relationship with a man I knew from a group of friends. He was funny, attractive, hardworking, charming, and tended to say “all the right things”. Yet, eventually, I figured out his words were just that…..his negative actions and lack of follow through spoke louder than his words. Yes, we did have common interests and values, and we laughed and had fun. Yet, it took me two and a half years to finally “get out”. He lacked the qualities to have a strong foundation for what makes successful relationships work: communication, empathy, ability to resolve conflict in a healthy, mature manner, set healthy boundaries with others and his family. I have always been a happy, optimistic, flexible – go with the flow person. Yet, I know that I was not the most assertive person. When entering into this relationship there were clues right from the start…..but I ignored them. I would think “this will pass”, or he would make a joke /bring humor to the situation, or I would just stuff it. There were several times I did try to end the relationship due to bad things on his part – A few examples: he had an irrational temper and would get mad for minor reasons ( I would try to calm him down), but he would just leave…..not just by car, he would take off walking mostly late at night and wouldn’t come back for hours. When he would come back he wouldn’t talk and/or would somehow blame me. Another example, I had a hysterectomy six days before Christmas. We were living together at the time (in my house). He demanded to have his family over for Christmas Eve. My gut said I probably should not commit to this, thinking I would be in no shape to entertain, and I knew he was not going to do “the work”. I tried to convey to him this was not a good plan, that I would not be up for it. He told me I could just “hide in the bedroom until everyone was gone” or “go to my dad’s house”. But no, I “sucked it up” ( as my mother would say). I got the groceries, did the cooking, most of the cleaning. About 18 people came that evening (no big deal, I typically love to have people over, but I was healing). Everyone left by 9:00pm. I was in a lot of pain. Not that I expected anything…..but there was no thank you, no sympathy, no communicating….for some reason (again) he was upset. Over the months, I worked on my assertiveness with a therapist. So I began to gain “my voice”. I tried breaking up with him; communicating ( in a healthy mature manner) my reasons why. He would always come up with statements to make me feel guilty, or it was ‘my fault’, or pour on the “sweetness”. Again and again….I would give in. I would feel the wave of emotion for doing so: guilt, sad, hope (that it might change), and fear (that it wouldn’t change or what would it be like to be alone), I eventually was able to get him out of my house (which he was barely paying anything for rent or groceries). This was a major relief when he was out of the house. I focused on how peaceful the house felt, how I felt much less anxiety and stress, and how much happier my kids (14y and 10y – at the time) were. He continued to “want to be in my life”, trying to use manipulative words, saying again, and again, “we are meant to be together”, and also trying to make me feel guilty about it. There were times when I did spend moments with him, only to be very disappointed in myself for not respecting the boundaries I initially set. It has been one year (and he still wants to be in my life), I know FOR SURE I need to stay away from him. I guess my strength for staying away from him and not allowing him in my life, comes from: I feel more healthy and less anxious, my faith, the knowledge that I do not need a man in my life to be happy, finding strength in “it’s ok and healthy to be more assertive”, I am able to do the things I enjoy, and the fact that my kids are much happier without him around.
    – Mary

    Reply

    • Stay strong, Mary. It sounds like you know what you are doing.

      Reply

  29. I wish there were more comments from men, to see their perspective. As I read the comments, I noticed how women do stupid things, and I’m not excluding myself. We stay with people that hurt us because we don’t want to hurt them. Does it make any sense? It’s a matter of self-esteem, as someone here mentioned. I also need to break up with my boyfriend. We had a great first date, and he told me he was separated. What he actually meant was that he was still married, but didn’t feel married. His wife has been dating someone for several years, and finally asked for a divorce (it’s true; I saw the papers). They didn’t have any children. I’ve met his friends and family, went to weddings, holiday parties, birthdays, graduations, and funerals. Everybody knows about his situation. He treats me really well, wants to see me whenever he’s not working, and includes me in everything he does. He’s always saying how happy he is that he met me. If you feel a BUT coming, you’re right. He is a terrible lover, completely clueless about women’s bodies. I tried explaining things to him, giving him directions, and he doesn’t get it. No wonder his wife is having affairs. We’ve been together for almost two years. I’ve dated a lot of jerks, and it’s good to be with somebody that is nice, but it’s not fair that I don’t have a sex life. I cut down the time we spend together, and we now only see each other once or twice a week. We are good friends, and I’m aware I’m wasting my life with him. I’m sharing my story to show other people how we make stupid excuses for staying in wrong relationships. The longer we stay, the harder it is to leave. He wants me to move in with him after his divorce is final, but he only mentioned financial benefits. I’m feeling very stupid for letting this go on for such a long time. Ladies, we need to have more self respect and more self esteem. It’s better to be by ourselves than to be in a bad relationship. Well, it felt good to vent. Hopefully I’ll end this very soon.

    Reply

    • Brenda,
      I think the fact that you were able to post about your relationship problems on this site is a great step in finding the courage to let go. I’m about to end a 2 1/2 year relationship, and stumbled upon this page trying to find solace in the fact that I’m not alone. You are completely right about needing to have more self-respect and self-esteem. And you are also right that the longer we stay, the harder it is to leave. Like you, my bf and I were so involved in each other’s lives in every aspect. He told my family he intended to marry me, and he was and still is a great person in many ways. I’ve also dated my share of jerks so it was like a breath of fresh air to finally meet someone who treated me so well. But similar to you our sex life became a point of contention. His libido was never quite on par with mine after our honeymoon period, and he often blamed his lack of sex drive on my body because I don’t have a flat stomach (and while I can’t claim to be model-like, at 5’8″ and a size 6-8US I don’t think I’m so bad). At first I just tried to brush it off but over time my self-confidence and self-esteem deteriorated to the point that I couldn’t be naked in front of him, except for the odd occasion where we had sex and I would try to suck in my stomach or angle myself so my tummy would appear flat. As wonderful as he was in all other aspects, he was the one boyfriend I had (jerks included!) who didn’t make me feel like I was beautiful. I also tried to guide him to show him what I liked in bed, but he was mechanical in his actions because that was his routine for any woman as opposed to really making love to me as an individual and trying to do what I like. I suppose my point is, I kept making excuses to myself because he was so great in everything else, how could I let something so petty as sex come between us? Then, I realized this wasn’t just a sex thing. Whenever we had a problem he would make it so that it was my doing and it was up to me to fix things. I was upset that he had no interest in sex these past few months, but it was “my” fault because I wasn’t thin enough for him. And ultimately, why would I want to date someone who made me feel bad about how I look, and blame his sex drive on me when I’m still the same size and weight as when we first began dating? What we became was good friends, perhaps something like brother and sister even. It got to the point where it became a regular thing where he would grab the meat around my waist and frown, and as much as I would say, “Please don’t do that,” he felt he had the right to do it because I was his “girlfriend.”

      In a last ditch attempt to save our relationship, I suggested ideas on what he could do to motivate me to lose weight. Instead of complaining about my fat, we could so more active dates like hiking and he could try to cook some healthy meals when we had dinner at home together. But the next day I realized, what’s the point? His way of thinking wasn’t gonna change. And I can’t expect / ask him to change. All I can change is myself or my situation.

      And that is one thing all of us have to remember, man or woman. We can’t ever expect or ask another to change. That’s something they have to decide on their own. All we can do is change ourselves or change our situation. Me? I’m not going to go on a crazy diet or starve myself just so my bf thinks I’m sexy (really. 5’8″ and 128 lbs. is that obese?!) I know I deserve better, and whatever your issue is Brenda, all I can say is know your values and stick to it. I made so many stupid excuses about how this “man” was right for me because we get along so well. It breaks my heart to know that we didn’t work out because he was, in so many ways, who I always dreamed I would be with. At the end of the day though, I know I have to be true to myself. I deserve a man who can love and accept me for who I am as I am. Who doesn’t try to change me, because isn’t that what love is about? To find someone we can accept as they are, who loves us as we are? To find someone we can grow with and love who they want to be, and encourage them to be that in a positiive manner?

      I’m really scared about breaking up with the One I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, after more than 15 years in the dating game. But ever since I knew and recognized that “change” is up to me, I’ve felt at peace. I am in control, and I am the only one who can stop living (in a relationship) in misery.

      I thank this site for letting me get this off my chest, and although this reply went off on a tangent, Brenda I hope you can be insightful about your own needs and when you realize that the change is up to you, have the courage to move on. Life can be beautiful, if you give it the chance.

      Reply

  30. I’m in this exact same boat as well! Been with my boyfriend on and off for 2 years and it just isn’t right. I broke up with him a couple months ago and like the article says, became a 3 in the happiness realm and crawled back to him, only to reach back up to a 4, MAYBE a 5. I want to break up with him again, this just isn’t right, I can’t see myself marrying him, but he’s the perfect guy on paper like you said. He’s never done ANYTHING wrong to me, which makes it even harder in my opinion. But we just have to keep thinking that we will find guys that we mesh better with and our happiness can become way higher than just a 5. This is what’s going to keep me going on any depressing days I have.

    Reply

  31. I have been so torn on what to do about my relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little more than two years and we live together. I love him so much, he’s my best friend. The issue is that since we’ve moved in together he hasn’t found a better job other than his fast food job 45 minutes away from where we now live. He’s not making much which he uses to judge me on making more because I have a good job. I’ve worked hard to get where I am. I finished my associate’s degree at 19 and have been working full time since. He’s now 23 and one class away from his degree, but he “can’t” seem to finish. He has a range of excuses and then is always upset that he can’t help me with the bills. When we argue he yells (which I can’t stand) and everything is my fault because he thinks I don’t try to understand him. Our relationship is just super unequal and I feel like I’m just filling in as his mom to take care of him. I love myself more than anyone else but I don’t want to hurt him. For a while I thought he was ‘the one’, but I can’t see a long future with him. I feel like my bottled emotions are a time bomb. I really, really care about him and I don’t want to leave him because I know it will tear him up. But I need to be happy, I care about my liife and my future and I can’t see him being a partner to me. I want to travel and do new things, even just hang out with friends, but he sees that as me wanting to get away from him. And as the cherry on top, he hates my family and won’t ever come for holidays or lunches, which makes them not like him either. What can I do?

    Reply

    • You already know what to do just listen to yourself , the question is what you want

      Reply

  32. We were in love for 3 years . I got divorce with my ex and moved on with my kids to another city and started my own business. Things changed recently between me and my guy. He still loves me but he is not looking moon on my face as it used to be . I am 44 our age difference is 17 years. I am trying to break up because I am not happy with few changes that I should except and I know that I wont. It is so hard and Yes I have Fear Of Break Up but I have to cope. I don’t know how to do that and feel lonely and helpless .Please people share with me your thoughts I need help to except my loneliness as part of me from now .

    Reply

  33. I’m on the same boat. My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost two years and I can’t seem to find it in me to break up with him. The last couple of months have been the worst, it’s gone from him slapping me to punching me. His excuse for his behavior is I deserved it. He finds nothing he does wrong and blames me for everything that goes wrong in this relationship. I asked him how he would feel if we would break up and his response is “I don’t know.” His response and actions are incredibly insensitive. I’ve gone as far as packing all his belongings up and handing them to him. I know it’s over but the fear of being alone is scary… I don’t have a family to run to for support. My mom passed away in July and I really thought things would change. I know the hitting started in September but I’ve felt like I’ve needed a way out for months now. I should’ve left sooner then I could’ve save my dignity from the physical abuse.

    Reply

  34. I recently just got out a situation like that. I started dating this guy when
    I was 17 everything was great he decided to join the army and i was there by his side those 3 months he was gone he came back and said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me because i was too young he was 20 at the time and i cried i was saying i will be 18 in a few months…later that week he said he had been doing a lot of thinking and wanted to be with me..we got together i didnt get to see him much because of AIT and then he got stationed in kansas 16 hours away from where i stayed..i was like i can do this..and that summer i was suppose to go visit for 2 months but he got stationed in Africa and our problems started getting worser but a week before he left for africa he proposed to me and i accepted..our communication became hard even though we talked every single day it just wasnt the same..i started having doubt but i still tried until i finally gave up…but he was the perfect guy any girl would be lucky to have maybe it was just me…and then i realised i still had feelings for a friend in my past..now i feel as if everyone would judge me because of my descions i chose to make..i just turned 19 today and my mom doesn’t agree with what i did..i’m just scared

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  35. Wow! This article is PERFECT PROOF that nice guys finish last and that being a nice guy will NOT get you anywhere with females. I don’t even have to explain or say more because any intelligent person reading this will see precisely what is going on here in the stories presented above and will be able to understand exactly what I’m talking about.

    WOW.

    Funny thing is many good guys (also known as “the nice guys”) complain about not being able to attract women, or they realize that women will stay with them -up until the point they start showing their feelings and being nice to her. Therefore, I discovered one thing! NO guy should have any problems whatsoever breaking up with a woman because all he needs to do is start being a nice guy who always calls her to tell her where he is and leave sweet texts messages, tell her all the time how much he loves her, always be available for her and do everything she wants and want to be near her every minute he can, and that will sure enough cause her to want to leave him! His work is already done, and no one gets hurt!

    Never understood why any man would have a hard time breaking up when / if he already knows that being a nice guy is the quickest way to make a woman lose interest and start chasing another bad boy! It’s actually conning sense…. I know a bunch of people (mainly ones who feel guilty about this) will get upset and jump at defense saying it isn’t true, but what people wish to believe about themselves and REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE will tell you TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT things.

    Many women love to say and believe they want a nice guy (similar to the girl in the story above), but what they say and wish to believe is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from who they chase and love in real life.

    Reply

  36. I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 years we did everything together we lived together traveled together I’m so sad I miss him so much I love him I always will and I always did but I never was in love with him I had been thinking of breaking up with him for about a year before I did it and it broke his heart but he wanted to get a house and a dog and it scared me because I didn’t want it to go on any longer or it would just hurt more. He was my first boyfriend. I’m 25 now. My brain is playing tricks on me I can’t remember any of the reasons I wanted to break up. We fought a lot but the fights don’t seem so bad anymore. I remember feeling like he took me away from my family and now I’m driving back to NY and it’s the last place I want to go. Everyone tells me I did the right thing and it will get better but I miss him so much. I don’t know if I did the right thing. I want to tell him how much I miss him and how much I love him and how sorry I am but I can’t bring myself to because I guess I know I did the right thing. We’re both broke and unsuccessful. Should I write him a not saying I dream about us being together in the future when both our lives are on track?

    Reply

    • Give yourself some time to think things through. I literally just broke up with my bf of 3.5 yrs and i am scared and in shock. I’m gonna give it time though to sink in before i say anything to him.

      Reply

  37. I’m currently breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years to be with my ex. My ex and I were forced to split up because I was too young (I was 15 and he was 17). Now I’m 19. I’ve been hanging out with my ex and I feel something different from my current boyfriend. I feel so happy around him. I tried to break up up with my boyfriend, but he gets hysterical and cries and throws a fit. It’s very scary. I feel like a bad person for doing this to him. :/

    Reply

  38. I started dating 5 years after things didn’t work out with my daughters father because I didn’t want to expose her to men. My life wasn’t bad, maybe lonely at times. Missed being held and touched by a man but I was okay. Friends are always more concerned about relationship statuses than you are. So one of my gfs set me up on a blind date with a guy I was sure I wasn’t going to care for. We clicked instantly, he was a handsome older man who liked many of the things that I liked. He was really honest about what he wanted and didn’t want. He was recently divorced after being in a loveless 17 year marriage (according to him). There were many red flags in the beginning but I chose to ignore them because I finally had the attention of a man I actually liked. Things were perfect at first, and our relationship escalated quickly. I held out introducing him to my daughter as long as could – but my brother was in a tragic accident that made us move faster. He was there for me, always. He cooked for me, took me out on dates, and sporting events. We share the love for our Chicago Bears. We started traveling. Then everything started falling apart. He quit coming around as much. Telling me that he really didn’t understand love, that I deserve someone better than him. That he was a no one and that he knew that he couldn’t ever make me completely happy. In the back of my mind, I’m thinking that he had another woman. That he was possibly cheating on me. Yesterday, after the Bears game he left his phone on the table and something in me told me to look through it and my fears became a reality. We went out on a nice date on Saturday and we were discussing our future, finally moving in together. At the same time he was texting another woman. Today, I decided to end it after two years together. All he said was that he was confused and that he made a terrible mistake but he understands and will miss me. Funny, I am devastated but what can I do. I can’t remain in this situation. It is not okay. I love him but sometimes we need to let go. :(

    Reply

  39. I finally made the decision to break up with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. The first two years of our relationship were amazing. Even though it was long distance for a lot of it because I was away at school we made it work. Partway into the third year I got tired of long distance and I felt like I was always going through an emotional roller coaster because I would resent him when I didn’t get to see him but then when I did it seemed perfect. Only getting to see him once a month was really hard, especially since I’m so young. In my early 20s lots of my friends are single and I like to party and have fun so Id go out with them and a small part of me always wished to be single. I never had any complaints about my bf though. He treated me great, was a genuinely nice person and loved me so much. I was so afraid to even propose a break because I knew it would crush him. I was way too afraid to hurt him so I just didn’t do anything about it. I would go back and forth between wanting to break up with him and not. Deep down I always felt like he might not be “the one” for me. Our intellectual conversations always lacked something. I couldn’t really put my finger on it but I knew something was missing. When I got a little older I realized what he lacked. He lacked motivation and always talked about goals he wanted to pursue but never took any steps towards them. He also let himself go physically which made me less attracted to him. By the end he felt like more than a friend. I told him just now that I want to take a break and he was very mature about it. Now i just feel numb.

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  40. I’m in a situation where I feel like I’m stuck. I’ll start off by saying I met my boyfriend when I was 16 years old at some lame party. Me and him had only known each other for about 2 weeks and we started dating. He would sneak in my room at night and we would have sleepovers. Well one night we were having sex and he didn’t pull out. I was freaking out and he said I would be “okay” well 6 weeks later I found out I was pregnant with a boy I had only been with for two months. I was devastated. Depressed. We were always fighting and breaking up. Well now. I’m 18. Almost 19. With a beautiful 1 almost 2 year old daughter. Me and him still fight constantly he’s very selfish only cares about himself and he’s constantly making me depressed or upset. He’s illegal here in the US. And can’t get a real job to provide for our daughter. He gets jealous really easy. Doesn’t like me having friends. And I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. Just the most simple things can set him off. It’s a very toxic relationship. Everytime I try and leave him he gives me a sob story about him having no where to go or he acts really sweet and lovey. Or he acts like I’m joking. I feel like if I leave him. My daughter will resent me. I know she loves him alot. But I can’t keep living like this.

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  41. Right now Im in a relationship and it only been two months and he is all ready saying that he loves me. Truely the only reason i want out with is because i felt sorry for him. He kept telling me about how he was bully and how people treat him. That just made me sad and felt like he did somebody in his life. I thought i could be his savior. But then i find out that his friend are his family. He hangs out with his little brothers and when we hangs out he acts like a big kid.i so stupid that i tell him that i love him just because i feel bad for him not having a girlfriend before do to his looks. my starts to hurt and i feel sick when i tell him i love him and really dont. it hard to break up with someone who just love you to hard and you dont love the same way. it like were not on the same page. but he doesnt feel that way about me. he love me to much and feel like that word is like reason i cant get out of this relationship im stuck in a trap on the wrong kind of love. i hate my self so much for lying to him.

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  42. I’ve been in this relationship for two whole years. It’s so scary to think of throwing that all away. He’s a great guy, my family loves him, my friends love him, he used to be my best friend. Now all we do is argue. All I do is give all i have while he doesn’t put in nearly half the effort I do. I’m just hurting. My heart hurts. Everything hurts and I keep trying to figure out what life will be life without him and I’m scared. What if being with him is better? I don’t know what to do.

    Reply

  43. i dont have anyone to talk to abt it

    Weve been together 1 yr and a half
    He loves me more than anything. He deeply loves me.
    But i dont like him as a person. He is kind and sweet
    But i just get ticked off a lot by his personality
    So by now you see how confused i am

    But the thing is. If i dont have fobu. I can easily break up with him with enough reasons to justify myself
    But my fobu is so strong. Im so afraid to be left alone
    All i keep thinking abt is who would want me? I am sick. The kind that u can get genetically
    And if i started dating again after him. Who would want me now that i have this bad genes??
    I have dated a lot of guys before him and hes the only one who stuck with me
    i dont know what to do
    I get really annoyed at him a lot. And he isnt being any rude or anything. Hes just being himself
    And i also dont think that he’ll be good for me in the future
    Hes very hardworking but i just get a lot of doubts
    I dont think he is right for me
    Someone pls talk to me
    This has been goin on for awhile
    And i cant really talk abt it with my friends becos i dont want them to think low of him
    Pls i need someone to talk to

    Reply

  44. I have been with my boyfirend for nearly 2 years. It started out great. I was visiting family for the summer and we had known each other since we were little and before we knew it we had fallen in love and I had lost my virginity to him. Then I went back to Florida and we had a long distance relationship and he visited a few times until I left for bootcamp and when I got stationed a few hours from my family and him we thought it was perfect! He moved in with me and now 8 months later I want out but I just can’t bring myself to do it. We argue all the time about everything and now he admits that he doesn’t think he can do the whole moving every 4 years when I get new orders and I plan on doing the full 20 years of service. I don’t know if it’s the fact that he was the first and only person I’ve ever slept with or just that we were so happy and I don’t know what happened. I feel bad about breaking up with him for the fact he did move 2 hours away to move in with me and had to find a new job so I don’t want him to be trying to figure that out but the way we are now is just not what i want and i don’t know how to break it off.

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  45. I met a humbled, loving, intelligent guy after being single for a long time as a result of a painful breakup. My current bf and I moved in together just a few weeks after we met. We have supported and gone through a hard financial time together as we have both been students. We graduated at the same time, I found a job and he is still looking. I have always been very driven and he is happy with doing whatever to earn a living, he spent 3 years doing a phd in a subject he wasnt interested in, just for the sake of having a phd.
    We come from very different backgrounds. He moved to Europe from a middle eastern country only a few years ago. I come from the same country but was born in Europe and have been fortunate enough to travel the world and experience quite a lot for my age.

    Fortunate or in this case unfortunately, I have a strong personality, I speak my mind, Im independent and know what I want in life, he is happy to walk behind me and doesnt have much personality. I fell in love with his kindness and the way he loved me, as time has passed and we have got to know each other, the fact that he is not driven enough and doesnt really have a goal has made me not want to be with him. I feel that Im reaching the most crucial time in my career, he is supportive but coming home to a guy that has been playing video games and looked at cars online is not very exciting, oh yes he cleans and makes dinner but he lives there too!

    He is a star in my friend & families eyes. They constantly remind me that guys these days, dont cook and clean, that men these days are not as gentle and simple as he is and that they dont find a fault in him needing my guidance. But I am sick so so sick of having to decide, what to eat, what he should wear, where we should go on a rare occasion of a night out, where he should park the car, what he should order from the menu and trust me I can carry on and on.

    Why dont I leave him? Im not scared of being alone, I feel so guilty, as he has no body here, he doesnt even have any friends left. He loves our home and our pet, he loves me more thn he loves himself ( I say this because if he had respect and loved himself he wouldnt stay with me) I dont have the courage to break up, I know he will get over it but he is financially so unstable so he wouldnt survive. He has supported me in our hardest moments, but so have I. I have become his world and I really dont feel comfortable with it. I wish he had interests, hobby’s, friends and interests in general, but there is nothing…

    Im so stuck, I wish for him to leave me, I wish for him to find another girl, find a job in a different country! I feel like my health is at risk, Im so angry and stressed at all times when he is around me. In my eyes all he does is wrong and and I keep reminding myself that its not my mother or uncle or best friend who will have to live with him for the rest of their lives, its me and so I should think about myself first. I will hurt so many people around me but can I carry on? Should I carry on? His weakness puts me off… I hope I could weak up and be the calm and loving person I have always been. Now Im a bitter, grumpy angry soul and believe me it hurts me so much.

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  46. Just broke up with a girl, my problem was trust, we had our ups and downs, parted a few times, every time we got back she was all over me with love, kisses, never want to be apart, things just did not add up, the last time i found out, not even a week, drunk one night, in a bad place, she had sex with a guy she had been talking to on her phone, we got back together, 3 weeks of love and we were so happy until i found out she was still talking to him, his, ‘when you coming to see me again, let me kiss your body like you like it’ comments, even a pic, she said and swoe that on our break up no man or guy, she would not disrespect me or herself, even had her chat/dating site on her phone still, all i got was ‘Get over him, i have!’ After a few more weeks she became distant, no love, kisses, touching, we broke up, this time for good, now all i do is think of how good she made me feel, then i think if she did the same when we were not together before, she would never tell me the truth, it is a shame as i really love her, i cant kiss a girl, let alone make love!, to her it is her escape, she needs that to get over me, going from one to another so easy, anyway, love is a funny thing, once the trust has gone i dont think you can go back :(

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  47. I am in the exact situation now.. We were friend for years before getting in a relationship. She supported me in another relationship with someone who was doing the exact same thing she is doing to me now. I have not been perfect but I have been trying. I I knew from the beginning that we should have never got in a relationship but I did it anyway. Here we are three years later and I am drowning myself in my own tears while she lives her life seemingly unaffected. I love her more than words but there is no happiness in this for me.

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  48. I’ve been dating this boy for a year and three months. He’s my first boyfriend even though I’m 21. I’m not his first girlfriend. I love him but something has just never felt quite right. I’ve kept having doubts about our relationship even though there is nothing technically wrong. I feel like he loves me so much without really even knowing me. It’s like I’m the nicest girlfriend he’s ever had and so in his mind it’s true love, but for me I feel like there is still something missing. He doesn’t make me want to be a better me, he accepts me just how I am and never complains about anything. That sounds wonderful right? But in reality it isn’t, I want someone who isn’t afraid to tell me I’m being mean or talk to me about space and god and just watch the stars and be fascinated with life. I feel like he just doesn’t have passion, he doesn’t strive to know more learn more, be more enlightened. Where as I’m the complete opposite my whole life has been about being a better me, learning more, and becoming more enlightened. I feel like I need to break up with him, but I don’t know how. He seems to be so in love with me, he has even discussed our future with my mom, and I just don’t know how to end it when I still love him so much, but I just know he’s not “the one”.

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  49. I’m in a situation where I’m just confused. My girlfriend, whom I’ve been having a long distance relationship with for over six months, is incredibly sweet and kind. I know she loves me to bits, and I thought I felt the same way, but recently, I don’t know. When we first started our relationship, I’d only had a small crush on her before. She was the one who loved me. When she stated her feelings for me, I’d gotten very happy, because I was sure I loved her back. But now I feel unhappy in our long distance relationship, and my feelings for her are dying bit by bit.
    She’s an incredibly sweet girl, but I feel she deserves someone better.
    The thing is, I’m too scared to break up with her. I’m worried I won’t find my own perfect person, and will regret losing her.
    Even if I do work up the courage, I’m worried I’ll come off as a jack-ass when trying to explain.
    I’m just so worried and confused, and I really need advice on what to do.

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  50. Well,first of all I am in a relationship with a guy who is younger,I am 38 and he is 33.We have totally different backgrounds,culture and religion.I have known him for over 4 years and we dated on and off before but we are in a serious relationship over a year now. I have two kids with my ex-husband who cheated on me,so i left him and moved to another country, this is where I met by bf.
    Anyway to make story short, we were really good before but now we quarrel a lot and we are both emotional people.I don’t know if it is because of my past but I find it very difficult to trust him,and I am always doubting him especially if he takes too long to turn up somewhere.I have a lot of insecurities with my relationship.like will he ever marry me? I get a vibe that he wouldn’t because of his culture and tradition and also society,so this is why I am thinking of breaking up with him.But it is very hard for me to do.I also feel as if Ill grow old and no one will ever love me because of my past, btw I am a single mom.

    Reply

    • I was with my ex for 15 years btw,so this is very hard for me.

      Reply

  51. I recently left my partner of 11 years, whom I had been contemplating leaving for over 7 years. I went around and around in circles. Visited apartments, even almost signed a few leases. Finally, I just did it. We have a son together, so that factored into my back and forth also. But, we weren’t lovers anymore, we weren’t friends, we were just room mates, It’s only been 3 months and I am still adjusting, but I’m happy that I did it. My friends and family are happy for me too.

    Reply

  52. I’m in my first serious relationship and I just feel like crying all the time because he’s obviously more into me than I am to him. I’m slowly in the process of breaking up with him but I’m so scared to do it in person as this is my first time in everything. He’s looking for something much more serious than I am, but I can’t help but think that nobody has wanted me before him, so why would anyone want me afterwards? Any help

    Reply

  53. I don’t know what to do. I’m 22, and I met my boyfriend more than a year ago. And… it’s just complicated. He was the first and only person that I’ve ever dated, and I’m the only girl he’s ever kissed (He’s 25). After a couple of dates, he got pretty serious about me, and I freaked out and broke up with him, not just because of the sudden seriousness, but because I had doubts… Whereupon my mother decided to sort of adopt him. And he started hanging out with my best friend, which resulted in us spending more time together than we had when we were dating. I liked spending time with him as a friend, and everyone else commented on how nice and handsome he was, so I thought I might have just overreacted. So I asked him out. Around a month later, I started regretting it, but I didn’t break up with him. My friends love him, and my mother actually said that she doesn’t think I can do any better. He’s living with my father right now, and my brother actually approves of him. He’s treats me like a princess. And, to make this even more complicated, he loves me. But I don’t love him. I actually told him I don’t, but he didn’t want to break up. He suggested a sort of open relationship where we’re still dating each other, but we date other people, too, only I can’t. It feels like cheating. He actually said that he wanted me to date other people so that I’d come back to him and see what a great guy he is. And he is a great guy. On top of everything else… I’m sort of an ice princess, I suppose. I’m not really attracted to that many people, and I certainly don’t have rampant hormones, but… I don’t like it when he kisses me or touches me or anything further than that. I just cringe. What is wrong with me?
    And then, just to make things even more confusing and complicated… I recently became friends with a guy. After hanging out with him for a few weeks, I realized I really liked him. I’m actually attracted to him, but, more than that, I like that he’s kind and polite and funny and smart. I look forward to just talking to him. But I don’t know if he likes me as anything more than a friend. My mother actually called me out on liking him, since I was spending so much time with him and, after i admitted it, instead of actually being glad that I was attracted to someone (literally for the first time ever) told me that it was impossible. That he was too young (he’s almost two years younger than me), that he wouldn’t be ready for a family until he was like thirty because of the job he’s going into, (I kind of want a family after I graduate… and my mother really looks at long term things. I hadn’t even considered these points), and that I shouldn’t throw away my relationship because I’m “In lust” with someone. But… I’m not in lust with him. I don’t want to “jump his bones” or anything like that. I just like him, plain and simple. I’m also scared about breaking up with my current boyfriend… because what if I can’t find anyone else who loves me? What if I do spend the rest of my life alone? As my mother so helpfully pointed out, I’m not getting any younger. I’m not perfect. I just… I hate this. I hate that I’m scared to hurt my boyfriend but that I don’t want to be with him. I hate that he loves me so much and I can’t return the feeling. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone, but… I don’t want this.
    Someone just… please tell me what to do. Please.

    Reply

  54. I have been with my bf for 2.5 years. We get along well and have common interests but I am much more motivated than he is and he has no hs diploma or ged. I have a decent paying job and with be continuing my education soon, he makes minimum wage and has no intention of getting his ged or trying to better himself. I love him but I’m tired of being the one responsible for everything. I’m afraid that he will regress if i leave him, he has no job, or license when we met, and lived with a parent. He’s my best friend but I don’t want to have to take care of someone. Am i being selfish or naive?

    Reply

    • He’s taking advantage of your kindness. I’m in the same situation. You’re not his Mom.

      Reply

  55. This is happening to me right. Thank you for writing this. It was very helpful.

    Reply

  56. Hi,
    I’ve been married to someone for 27 years, but have been unhappy and wanting to leave for the last 6.
    My wife is very attractive, dresses well and in public she is always bubbly and friendly and outgoing, everyone says how lovely she is and she can be very kind and thoughtful and fun, but people very close to her know her different.
    The problem is she has always got what she wanted, her parents have always spoiled her and she behaves like a spoilt child if she does’nt get her way, throwing things and having tantrums.
    She fell out with my mother about 2 years ago for restricting me from visiting her. (I’ve only ever seen her every few months) and she has been ill with cancer!. I always have to ask approval for whatever I want to do, yet she never asks me for it. She has no empathy and her opinions are always the correct one’s. I think you could describe her as Narcissistic.
    The only way the marriage stays happy is if I go along with everything she wants to do, which I have done because when she snaps she is a very unpleasant person to be around and I can’t live with misery and sulking as I am a generally cheerful laid back person.
    I really don’t want to break up the marriage and let people down, but it’s coming to crunch time now. We sold our property a few months ago that I spent 8 years building, and are living in rented until we(she) finds another. We have just made an offer on one, but I know I really don’t want to live with this person anymore. The thought of it is just depressing me, but I know it would make her very happy. She’s always saying she loves me very much!
    I am not worried about finding someone else, in fact it would be very refreshing to meet someone who is laid back about all aspects of life and not opinionated, but I would be in no rush, I would really enjoy being free and want to go off and visit family and travel.
    So here I am at this juncture, the most important in my life. Do I continue and do everything to make her happy and have a reasonable life with an attractive woman, or do I ruin everything and be selfish.
    There is no one in my family I can safely discuss it with so I am here.

    I’ve got to decide very soon and it is so hard.
    Stephen.

    Reply

    • GOing through similar situation. Happy that i found your paragraph. I am in love with a similar partner. My partners’ phylosophy is ”my way or the highway”. Which is why he picked me in the beginning. Because I was young, cute, laid back and open minded, I got caught by someone who doesnt really love me, i am just convenient for him.
      I am wondering how your wife would react if she knew you had the intention of leaving. COuld she win your heart back? I
      I told my husband in hopes he would change, that I had the intention of leaving, last year, but that I had changed my mind and decided to work harder on the relationship and that i wished he worked with me. Helas, after MANY MANY trials to connect…nothing changed so I have to leave, for the sake of my self esteem, my pride.
      God I am TERRIFiED.
      What is keeping me home, is the house, the familiarity, my love for him.
      Also, I dont want to start over.

      Being in admiration of your partner, but feeling like you have no balls…is wrong. That is what is pushing me out my door and that should push you out your door too.

      Unless she is willing to go for counselling. Because 27 years is pretty amazing.

      Good Luck, Stephen

      Melissa Wonder Gariepy

      Reply

  57. I have been in my relationship for 13 years and have known it is bad since day1. Im worried about being alone at all…insein fact, I welcome it….I stay cause I feel bad to sad I’m leaving… he keeps talking about our future and I just agree… I would be so much happier out of here.

    Reply

  58. ive been in a relationship now for about 2 and a half months but for the past month i find myslef questioning if this is going to work out,
    I hang out with him and his friends when ever he wants but he wont hangout with mine, when i invite him he either makes up excuses or makes plans last second with his friends even if i invited him a week ahead, He’s already telling me that he’s gonna merry me some day, which doesnt exactly excite me to hear. I feel like i have to walk on egg shells when i talk to him. He’s never put his hands on me, but ive seen his anger bursts before and i have even had nightmares about me breaking it off and he either killing himself or coming after me or even the ones i love, im not saying he would do this but the fear is still there.

    ive tried breaking it off before and he took it as giving me space, which lasted a day. i let it go but i regret not going through with it now.
    i need help, he says hes in love with me and i cant feel the same, i feel stuck.

    Reply

  59. Well I’m 14 and this guy I have been dating for almost 2 years already is 16 going to be 17 this year. And well we are in love you may say. But we argue a lot. I get mad and jealous real quick. I’m stubborn. I hate it when people ignore me and he always does like ahhh idk so I finally told him yesterday I have had it and I’m going insane right now. I need him but I’m trying to kinda move on but I need advice. I mean this helped realizing things but I’m scared I wanna get back.

    Reply

  60. I’m a 36 year old female. My reIationship is failing. I stayed in hopes to ”fix it”, I tried everything in my power for so long, because he was very clear about being with me for the rest of his life, i thought I could become perfect for him, I thought he would see how great I am…but nothing. He never moved a finger.
    I regret staying so long now, and I am putting money aside to leave in the spring. I am terrified. TERRIFIED. I’m really going through a rough time, emotionally. Helas,I have to act. I have start over.
    What is going to get me though it, is friends, connections, and family. I am going to have a project. I’m moving back home. I am going to volunteer. I will no longer isolate myself. That is what is going to help me. Even if i dont feel like it now, I have to, I want to be happy. I want to feel loved and worthy. Good luck to me and everybody who is going through similar pain.

    Reply

  61. I am currently feeling this right now. I have questioned things and suggested and yesterday even flat out said we should not be together, but later that night I took it back and blamed the fact that his parents don’t like me on the reason that I did not want to be together. It goes much deeper than, though. I feel like he is dragging me down. He is 25 and has no motivation to really get his hustle on and get his life started, and get a job to support himself even though he just graduated from college that his parents entirely paid for. That is a DREAM to most people, and yet he is not driven to do anything with his diploma and this terrifies me. I feel a persons twenties is when they should be the most determined to obtain their dreams and I being in this environment is dragging me down. So why haven’t I just cu it off , moved out and moved on? Because he has not done anything to dramatically hurt me. In the past my break ups were due to infidelity and that makes it way easier to leave. I am scared that I will not find anyone that I can trust and that will love me deeply, which is of course me being insecure. I am also sick to my stomach at the idea of him fucking someone else. I know that is possessive, but it is true. For some reason that bothers me more than anything else… That and the fact that I have no one I can talk to the way I can talk to him, he is my best friend. The more I write the more i realize this is an addiction. But at this point we both know it is done and I am hurting him.

    Reply

  62. Hi I am in a realationship I am scared to break out of. I love him very much and I know he loves me but I feel like I put him more as a priority in my life then he does me. We have been together almost 5 years and to be honest I have never been fully happy. He has a child that I. Am extremely attached too and we all live together. The child’s mother is not around. The main problem in our relationship is communication and a lack of intimacy. I have tried to talk to him about this but he brushes it off like there isn’t a problem. I feel alone most of the time. We have good days but I feel like there are more bad days. I guess I feel guilty to leave because he doesn’t seem to think there is a problem and I don’t want to hurt him but I’m just not happy. And I’m also scared to leave because I’ve left relationships in the past that I have regretted. I feel like I’m losing myself but I can never go thru with breaking up anytime I do I get a sinking pit in my stomach. I just want someone who appreciates me and I can laugh with and feel loved

    Reply

  63. I’m going through this we’ve been together 5 years have 2 beautiful children together & it’s been hard for me to leave I feel guilty taking our kids so far. Our relationship has pretty much been down the tube the last 4 years & we haven’t gone anywhere. Always name calling him texting other women & says he’s single but why am I having such a hard time leaving? I honestly need some help am I the only one to feel this guilt? We haven’t talked in over a week & still living in the same household until I “move” but recently we took our kids out on their bonding time with daddy & we talked about me moving & making sure we’d be ok. He always said he doesn’t love me or can’t stand me & I always stayed because I thought he was just saying that to hurt me, but now I’m not too sure.

    Reply

  64. I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years with a horrible guy. He seemed great at first but now it seems every month he has brought me down to lower level of myself. Cut off ties of my family and friends saying they are no good, and changing my own likes and intreats to his own. My parents beg mento leave but I’m
    Honestly scared of him. Anytime I have tried to leave he has made me feel guilty and like I am
    Being evil or selfish and I have no right to just leave him like that…because I usually just disappear. I’m afraid of him and to confront him. I’m scared I will
    Never leave I always am just waiting for the right moment, my stuff sitting in a suitcase still from
    The last time I tried to leave. Help!!!

    Reply

  65. i need help
    m dating a boy for last 4 years n i luv him so mch n cnt evn thnk of breakin up wid him
    i dnt knw wt he wants
    he says that he loves me wn we r togdr bt wn he leaves he z lyk dont evn knw me
    he z nt romantic,he never shw love to me he nvr appreciates me he alwys make me feel lyk m worthless n i knw dr z no odr gal in his lyf m his fst n he z mine bt his behavioh…i cnt live widout him bt i knw i cnt evn live wid him d way i olwys wanted to
    he want to marry me n says dt he wl nvr let me go
    we r still togdr
    i m totally chngd bcz of him
    i hv forgotten myself
    i dnt want to evn brk ds rlation
    d thng hurt me most r lyk he olwys undrestimates me nvr spend tym on me nvr evr shws luv towards me no appretiation nt evn to make me happy n whnevr i tell him ol dt i dnt lyk it ds way he says lyk its ol in ur mind
    n also he sats dt i wl b ds way only i wont chnge myself
    dr z mch more i wanted to say but….
    wt shud i do ???
    he z loyal to me but..he nvr shw love to me he only says smtimes dt i luv u nt more dn dt
    i feel so mch hurting :(
    help me plz

    Reply

  66. I decided to break up with my boyfriend of 8 years recently. Things weren’t going well for him in Virginia, so I suggested that he go and stay with his brother in Tampa, Florida, because his brother owns a small dealership and could give him some work. He went to Tampa and things are going better for him. He has been gone for 6 months, and I am supposed to move down there with him in December with I finish my studies, but I have decided not to. I also have enjoyed our time away from each other. He is a nymphomaniac and wanted to have sex all of the time. He would call me his medicine. I couldn’t stand it. He also would tell me what to wear and who I could talk to. He didn’t want me to have any male friends and was constantly accusing me of cheating on him. This past weekend I went on vacation with my family and watched my brother and his girlfriend be so loving with each other and realized that I will never be happy like that with my boyfriend. I feel guilty because he was there for me through so much over the years financially and emotionally. Recently I have caught him so many lies and since being gone for 6 months he has had 8 different new phone numbers and we barely talk anymore. I told him this morning that I will always love him and always want him to be my friend and he lost it. He said no that he would make things right now. I wanted to say that I just have fallen out of love with him and want to find someone else to be with who I can actually be happy with. He has been calling me non-stop since I told him, but I just want to move on and find someone else to be with. What can I do or say to make this easier for him to move on without hurting him anymore and to make this easier for me too?

    Reply

  67. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He is my first boyfriend and I met him right when we started college. I don’t know what to do. We argue all the time and he can NEVER be wrong. He doesn’t know how to be romantic, like if I want flowers or chocolate on our anniversary, birthday, valentine’s day, I have to tell him EXACTLY what to get me. When we met he was spontaneous and romantic and now…he doesn’t even like to start a new TV show during the week. I feel like I have given him so much of me to him and I have nothing of him. I know he loves me, he just is not an affectionate person. But I think I need that now. And notater how many times I tell him what I need he always goes back to his old self. I almost feel like there is no part of his life that I can fit into. Even though he has had four years to fix that. We live together and have two cats…I wouldn’t even know where to begin if I broke up with him. I would have no where to live, my job doesn’t pay enough to support $700 in rent a month. I don’t know what to do. I do love him though.

    Reply

  68. I’m going through a very tumultuous time with my five year relationship. My guy and I have been together for 5 years now. He was my first boyfriend after coming out and I consider him my first real relationship. He’s very loving and such a wonderful person. He moved in with me almost instantly and things were amazing at first. There were some signs early on that I should have paid more attention to. He suffered from severe anxiety that went undiagnosed for years until I got him to see a doctor and get on some mess. He still suffers from anxiety but it became manageable to a degree. But over the years it ate away at our relationship. At first he would suffer through going out and doing things together like going to parties or weddings etc. but then He we started doing things separately and I found myself enjoying myself more when he wasn’t there because I didn’t have to worry about him having an attack or being distressed wihile we were out. He was fine with this arrangement but I wasn’t. I missed having someone by my side to enjoy things with. He would be able to do things if it was something he truly wanted to do whether it was a vacation or a concert but I found myself compromising too much. Eventually we grew apart and ended up cheating on each other. I moved out but it only lasted six weeks in the summer of 2014 and then I moved back in.

    In the time I moved back out I feel in love with my best friend.

    Reply

    • During the time I moved out I fell in love with my best friend and then it was a full on affair. In February of 2015 I decided to move out again and get my own place but stay together. My bf is still a wonderful person and is loving and caring and we stil, consider ourselves together but this is such a mess now that I feel insane and I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to let him go but I’m afraid to stay in a relationship I’m unhappy in. I can see he’s trying but I’m worried it’s too late for me and I don’t know what to do.

      Reply

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  70. I’m currently in this predicament myself… He’s so dependent on me and, while I have an attachment to him, it’s not really love anymore. I’ll have moments where I feel it here and there but we fight constantly and I am overall miserable. I just don’t want him to do something drastic and I’m so dependent on him for things like transportation and physical comfort that I don’t know what either of us would do. It’s a cycle of misery.

    Reply

  71. Trippy…My bf is a cancer too!! He is so unthoughtful, inconsiderate, and unmotivated. We have a lot of different thoughts and opinions about things, which I thought may be good at first, to open my eyes to new things, but he’s very unrealistic and immature. I have been with him for a little over a year and have been questioning things the whole way through! I feel I have a really good head on my shoulders and have very strong morals, but he was raised very differently. I know he loves how strong I am, and does love me, but I truly think he’s just not the one for me. It’s sooo hard because it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in, I feel like I’m addicted =( But I know what needs to be done because I really would be so disappointed in myself if I one day ended up marrying him.

    Reply

  72. I’m in a relationship where i’m completely stuck it. My boyfriend and I dated for 2 years in high school than right before college I broke up with him in the worse way, because of the same feelings i’m feeling right now. When I got back from college 2 years later, we got back together. Now we’ve been dating for 1 year and those horrible feelings are coming back up. He’s seriously a good guy, we trust each other completely and my whole entire family loves him and I get along perfectly with his. The worse part is I just bought a house and our plan was for him to be moving in as well. I just don’t feel anything for him anymore, I feel like were just really lose friends. We never go out on dates or anything so I feel like i’m getting bored with us. But I just don’t want to break his heart, like I did before. I don’t want his family to hate me because this is the second time and I don’t want to crush him when I tell him I don’t want him moving in with me after his mom bought us little things for the house. I have no clue how to even bring up the break up speech, I’m so lost and confused I hate it.

    Reply

  73. I’m terrified to break up with my girlfriend! We’ve been together for the better part of two years and She constantly tells me that I’m the most important thing in her life and her main source of happiness…however over time I’ve started to drift away from the happy idyll we were in and I’ve found that for the better part of a year I’ve kept a relationship going that no longer makes ME happy. Im just afraid of what breaking up will do to her, the last thing I want to do is hurt her but I also don’t want to continue with a relationship that makes Me unhappy .

    Reply

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  75. I have this fear as well. I have been with my current boyfriend for nearly 2 years. Before that I had one serious boyfriend. We were together for 9 months. In the first relationship I felt like I had failed somehow because he never wanted to work things out so now that I am in my current relationship I feel like I have to force myself to make it work because the first guy never gave it a chance. I’m torn because who wants to hurt someone’s feelings or break their heart. I have been feeling this way for quite some time and my boyfriend is only now wondering why I have been distancing myself from him. I think we are going to have the talk. I’ve been waiting for an opening to this conversation and now that it might or will happen, I am terrified. I hate confrontation. I know he will be hurt and probably hate me. I don’t want to hurt him but I know what I’m giving him isn’t fair. I guess I am just trying to gain some courage and insight by writing this.
    Good luck to everyone else.

    Reply

  76. ’m in the same situation, except we are still together. It is a long distance relationship, He has never said that he doesn’t love me or stop caring for me but whenever I ask him about our future he goes blank. He does not share any clear picture. He never shared what the actual problem behind is. We never fought in 3 years relationship because even if I try to mess up with him he goes quiet. I just want to break up because i’m actually emotionally attached and cannot move on with any other. I’m very confused and very low

    Reply

  77. It’s terrifying! I just recently had to break an engagement off because there where some traits that I couldn’t live with, ones that I knew would take an incredibly lengthy time in a psychotherapists office to begin even making a dent and with that there isn’t any gaurantees! It’s painful, because he was my best friend and had so many other wonderful qualities. I still love and admire him. I’m havin to grieve the loss of my relationship with him and the future I hoped we would have. It really hurts but I know if I don’t don’t heed my instincts on this one it could have grave consequences later on. be strong and be true to your hearts prompting a!!

    Reply

  78. I’m still trying to break up with him but it’s such a daunting thing knowing we will never be the same again…

    Reply

  79. Faith & prayer

    Reply

  80. I’m in a relationship right now with someone who is amazing and treats me well. It just seems like theres no connection anymore. I don’t want to break up because I don’t want to hurt his feelings and im so confused on what to do. I wouldn’t have thought of breaking up with him if I wouldn’t have met another guy. Im so confused on what I should do!!!

    Reply

  81. my husband broke up with me about two weeks ago, he didn’t give me a reason why, he just told me that he wanted to be honest and that he didn’t love me anymore, I loved him so much but he does is to travel with different girls to unknown destination, I was all over the internet trying to find who could help me out with my situation but no results at all or little signs, I was about to give up, then luckily i found robinsonbuckler@ yahoo. com in the internet, that this spell helped a woman who had the same issue as mine, when i contacted Mr Robinson , he said he will help me and just as he said, I received a call from my husband begging to reunite with me again, i accepted him and things really changed he stopped his bad habit, We came back together and I was astounded because so many say they are the best but can’t back it. but Mr Robinson buckler really surprised me with his spell,

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