Sharing fantasies with hubby

I want to tell my husband about my fantasies but I'm embarrassed. How can I share that side of my sexuality with him?

By Lou Paget

February 14, 2003

Let's start by removing the embarrassment factor. You're definitely in the majority here. Most people have sexual fantasies and the reason is simple: when you fantasize, you're using your imagination to enhance and add variety to your intimate experiences--all the while remaining committed and monogamous.

Men often have fantasies about having amazing sexual prowess and driving a woman out of her mind with pleasure. But women are more likely to fantasize either about being seduced or being so desirable that a man can't resist them.

Many people think there must be something missing from their sex life if they fantasize about a sex act that involves someone other than their partner. But these fantasies just show that you have a memory of what turns you on. The only time you should worry about fantasies is when you or your partner is sexually turned on only by a specific fantasy. If that's the case, you may want to consider talking to a therapist to figure out if there are problems in your relationship that need to be addressed.

Broaching the subject

Both women and men are hesitant to ask their partners to act out their biggest fantasy because they're afraid of insulting or upsetting them. Or maybe you're worried about being rejected if you spill your sex fantasy and your partner thinks you're weird. But I can tell you this: chances are he'll be receptive. Men are often more comfortable fantasizing because they start masturbating at a younger age. What this means is they learn early on that they have to use their minds to create more sensation.

Let your husband know there's something you'd like to try. And make sure you let him know that the most exciting part about the fantasy is the thought of acting it out with him. Your partner may wonder what's inspired your fantasy, so name your source. Maybe you'd love to play out the steamy scene in the movie Unfaithful when Diane Lane first has sex with the mysterious French stranger. Or you want to re-enact the scene from True Lies when Jamie Lee Curtis's character does a sexy dance for her husband.

Another great--and perhaps less intimidating--way to introduce your fantasy is to describe something you've done together before, such as a steamy shower, and incorporate your new fantasy into the story. He may jump at the chance to act it out.

Say it with erotica

If you're still not totally comfortable giving your mate a play-by-play of the sensual scenes playing out in your mind, there are less direct ways of getting the message across. You could bring an erotic book to bed, such as Ana's Nin's Delta of Venus. Tell him which story turns you on, then read it together and take it from there. Or you could bring home an erotic movie and watch it together.

Apart from the thrill of acting out a scenario that turns you on, you'll undoubtedly feel more intimate with your husband once you start sharing your sexual fantasies. It might encourage him to share his with you. And you'll see that part of the pleasure comes afterwards, when you replay those memories over in your mind.

Lou Paget is a sex educator and the best--selling author of The Big O (Broadway).

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