Man handling

To get good lovin', you've got to know how to give it. Find out how with your user's guide to the male anatomy

Congratulations! Your selection of a new Male Companion is a wise choice. With attention and proper care, your Male can give you years of pleasure.

But remember: your new Male Companion is more than just a meal ticket or the father of your children. He’s also a human being, and a sexual one. That’s why we’ve created this user’s guide to the Male body—a step-by-step manual (and we use the word manual advisedly) on how to operate your new Male’s controls, to enhance his enjoyment and your own.

WARNING: some readers may resent the suggestion that they have to pay any attention to the physical maintenance and satisfaction of their Male. Women have already been forced to service Males for more than 40 centuries. This is a perfectly valid point of view. Ignoring these dealership guidelines, however, can result in malfunction, battery weakness and loss of interest on the part of your Male, no matter how recently acquired. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. We also accept no responsibility for the political incorrectness of these instructions: this is a practical guide, not a philosophical treatise. But it works.

A) The brain

Most new female owners of a Male, and even some longtime users, assume that the key to high performance rests in the steering column. But with the newly improved Sensi-Dynamic TM Male, the drivetrain actually begins in the so-called “upper” brain—in the cerebral cortex, its central processor.

It’s important to take care of your Male’s brain—and it’s a lot easier than you think! Simply pay attention, or at least appear to. In particular, regularly and enthusiastically tell your Male two things: a) he is a genius, and b) he has a huge penis. Do this twice a month and your Male Companion will give you endless trouble-free satisfaction.

B) The lower brain (the penis)

This is the alternate power source of the Male Companion, and his second most important component. Regular and frequent attention is critical, whether you take it in for full service or just perform a simple manual check.

For all its single-mindedness, the penis is a surprisingly tender and subtle organ—one that often suffers at the hands of its own reputation. The penis is to the Male body, for instance, as Arnold Schwarzenegger is to the American body politic: a swollen blustery steamroller that often gets everything it wants except respect.

Compare, for instance, the reverence most Males bestow on female breasts with the grudging contempt many women have for the beezer. (There are many names for the Male penis. Learn some—better still, invent new ones. Try them out on your Male. They’ll endear you to him.)

Many women assume the way to control a Male is to assuage his browser. This is true. However, there are few important subtleties to keep in mind, if not in mouth.

Jerry Hall, who managed to remain Mick Jagger’s wife for an unexpectedly long time, once said that the secret to keeping him was that she dropped to her knees and performed oral sex on him at every possible opportunity. While this is a laudable idea, and far more practical than it might seem, there are women who use oral sex to avoid intimacy—the theory being that if they’re looking into a Male’s crotch, they don’t have to look into his eyes. Unfortunately, a Male can (eventually, after a few decades) tell a Blow Job of Love from a Blow Job of Convenience. When he finally figures it out, he will try to find the sincere kind, because very few things are as discouraging to a Male as a woman who uses physical intimacy to mask her indifference.

In general, of course, there’s not much you can do to put a man off oral sex. There are only two rules: don’t bite hard and try not to look as if you’re about to vomit. A particularly effective way of administering a blow job is from below: with the Male standing beside the bed, lie on your back with your head over the edge of the mattress and pull his apparatus down to your mouth. Alternatively, kneel.

Do not worry that you are subjugating yourself to male authority: you’re just having fun. Furthermore, if he shows any sign of liking this pantomime of domination, he will be even more likely to enjoy submission, which will work out for you as well.

Above all, enthusiasm is essential. The more you approach the Male penis like a starving animal coming upon fresh carrion, the better it will be (for him, at least, and maybe even for you). If you can’t fetishize his penis, or if there isn’t enough to fetishize, then fetishize something else. But fetishize something. He will like it. Guaranteed.

C) The testicles

The testicles are located behind and directly under the penis. They are harder to locate on some models than on others. Some Males, and some women, claim the testicles are irrelevant to the sexual act—that they are the fob on the key chain of sexuality, an occasionally useful grabber but not essential.

This is not always true. Males appreciate having this mechanism kissed and even—are you ready for this?—mouthed. One by one, or together if you can. Gently. This is an act of intimacy, not a pickled egg-eating contest at the county fair.

D) The mouth

The mouth, the Male’s primary intake valve, is one of the least understood components. The sad truth is, most people—even women—don’t know how to kiss.

The trick (the only trick) is to proceed slowly. George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones may have approached kissing in Intolerable Cruelty like two contortionists trying to swallow one another’s heads, but that rarely works in reality (and it didn’t work that well in the movie, either). The problem with starting at French kissing (“tonguing” or “spelunking the pipe”) is: where do you go from there? Any deeper into his thorax, he’ll have to phone the fire brigade to get you out of there.

Whereas if you begin slowly, confident but tentative, touching only the lips, then along with his and your swelling osculatory passion you both may experience the development of—yes!—an emotion or two. As always in matters of sexing the Male, it is getting there rather than the destination itself—acceleration rather than cruising speed, the moment just before climax rather than the arms-over-head hooting—that matters most. This is true despite what the Male may tell you. Remember, compared with women, Males are emotional retardates. They need to be taught. Help him learn.

What this means, then, for those of you who like their cha-cha steps printed on the floor, is: kiss with mouth closed (feeling the plush of his lips) and then pull away; pause, to look into his eyes to see what is there; kiss again, now slightly harder, feeling the thickness of his smackers; pull back again, to look into his eyes; feign a kiss and just look into his eyes; kiss again, perhaps with a gentle bite. Proceed slowly with a slightly asymmetrical rhythm. (Perhaps your hand could be holding his penis, for safety’s sake.) In the pauses between kisses, you will encounter that rare element that makes men and women nervous, but which turns out to be one of the most memorable moments of any relationship: the stillness between your bodies, the pause that lets you actually see and feel each other in the moment. In that moment, tenderness can occur. And tenderness, even for Males—especially for Males, given that it is so rare amongst themselves—is the greatest aphrodisiac of all. This may not be what you’ve been trained to believe as a woman reading the kind of ordure that gets spread about in magazines such as Maxim and Stuff, but it is true. Tenderness is always new.

E) The vocal chords

There is a wide variation in the amount of noise the Male makes under full sexual acceleration. Wild vocalizations (“The sky is falling!”; “Momma!”; “Yippee-i-o-kayay!”), ululation or grunting like a pig (him, not you) may indicate genuine pleasure. On the other hand, they may not: in the age of Viagra, men can fake it, too. However, the more eccentric the noise a man makes, the more likely it is genuine. (Growling like a dog with a bone is often heartfelt.) Silence, however, does NOT mean the Male is not enjoying himself. Very few Males cry. Some Males, however—not to mention any specific models—have been known to laugh as they crest the top of a hill: this is an expression of relief and joy, and should seldom be taken as a sign of driver error.

There is one vocal function of the Male that is often overlooked by female owners during sex, however, and that is the power of speech. Many like to talk or be talked to during the act of sex—albeit with running sexual commentary or fantasy material, rather than what happened at work that day. (Although that can work, that can work, too!)

If you want your Male to tell you what it would be like for you to be madly screwed by his scrumptious best friend while he makes love to you, ask him to do that: odds are, he’ll like it if you like it. If he wants you to describe the way you wash your underbelly, do that, too. Just remember: it doesn’t have to become a lifestyle, and you don’t have to commemorate it with a tattoo.

WARNING: this system can overheat easily. Be discreet with each other’s secrets. And above all, do not assume that what gets said in bed might actually happen out of it. This is almost never the case.

F) Skin

The Male tends to underrate the thrill his own skin can offer. This may be, in part, because when skin is visible on a man it means there is no hair, which in turn raises the spectre of male pattern baldness and aging and weakness. Anxiety ensues.

Some female drivers believe the recently released Metrosexual—an ultra-modern hybrid Male that cares for its own appearance while still delivering rugged heterosexual Male performance—is proof that Males now prefer to “self-polish.” But the Metrosexual—first developed for driving in Manhattan, a tiny and very crowded island—is a very recent development and in many ways is still a concept vehicle. The fact is, the vast majority of Males are still uneducated about their skin and the care of it, and are afraid of it to boot. Thus, if you buy your Male body lotions, and then help apply them, the Male will thank you.

Traditionally, the best treatment for the Male’s outer covering is massage. But with the advent of health plans, the standard expected of a massage is very high. Also, it takes time. But it’s easy to replace the massage with a back scratch or, better still, a head rub. The value of rubbing a man’s head at length, especially after sex, cannot be overestimated. It appeals to the dog in the Male—his shadow self.

G) The male ego

One of the unique features of the new Sensi-Dynamic TM Male is his eagerness to satisfy his driver, even before he has himself arrived at his destination. Every female driver is different, however, and it may take a few trips before your new Male has figured you out. To this end, follow the advice of Aristotle: show, don’t tell.

Instead of propping yourself up on your elbows and looking down at his balding pate the way you might peer at some chicken thighs that aren’t browning properly, and saying “Up. No, up more. To the right. Not, not that far. Gentler. Faster. Now —OW!”—instead of doing that, take his face in your hands and gently pull him into home, all while saying his name over and over again.

At least give it a try. If your Male is especially inept, give him a gentle, friendly and informative (although perhaps not historical) tour of your genitals. Do not be squeamish about your body. Especially do not say “Am I too fat?” (Drivers who ask this question are often worried that they are, and are looking for reassurance from their Male that they are not. Unfortunately, even a sincere reassurance fails to eliminate the original concern, which after all lies not in the Male but in the female driver.)

No matter what your body is like, display some enthusiasm for it—put your best bits forward and worship his in return. Ask him to help you in this regard. Chances are, if you find yourself going for a drive with your Male, he wants to be there as much as you do—and is as nervous about the drive (running out of gas, hitting the shoulder, keeping up with passing cars) as you are.

Some Males are so sensitive in this regard, in fact, they have to be trained by their drivers not to be compulsive about satisfying their handlers before they can put the flaps down…er, put the pedal to the floor … themselves. To that end, it helps to establish different categories of drive, to minimize disappointed expectations. Popping down to the corner for milk might be the most casual use you make of your Male. Next would be commuting to work. Then there’s the longer afternoon pleasure cruise. Your Male Companion is designed for cross-purpose use and benefits from being used in multiple ways.

Whether you can drive the same Male in all three ways on the same afternoon, however, depends on a variety of factors: the demands of the situation, the mechanical fitness of the male, the year and/or model of the Male (some Males just have more capacity than others) and even the expectations of the driver. But a Male who can’t be driven more than once an afternoon/day/week doesn’t automatically mean he doesn’t love you. You may just own that kind of Male.

H) The exhaust system

The Male exhaust system is found right behind the penis and the testicles, to the rear of the perineum. It is a very delicate mechanism and should be adjusted only by qualified technicians. Some systems can handle substantial tinkering, whereas others can potentially shut down entirely at the first sign of a pressure gauge.

As a result, some women feel the best approach is one that incorporates the element of surprise. That might work. On the other hand, it might not. In general, however, a playful attitude is the best way to approach a Male in this area—you are making a one-time suggestion, not committing him to a lifestyle. A good way to begin this investigation is in the course of washing your Male and yourself—particularly important given the habits of the slightly bashful but eager-to-please Sensi-Dynamic TM model.

I) The tongue

Let it go where it wants to go (see The mouth for exceptions).

J) The nose

The nose of the Male is an unusually sensitive but unpredictable organ—more so, we feel, than in the past, as standards of sexual behaviour have loosened in the post-literate age. And while a nice natural armpit can be lovely and earthy, so can a dab of Opium or L’Eau d’Issey. The point is, mix it up. Do the unpredictable. Anoint your belly and your hips, but not your underarms.

And incidentally, a Male—at least, any Male worth driving—does not have hard and fast rules about hair, any hair, anywhere. If he does—if he finds your un-shaven underarms repulsive, or doesn’t have enough imagination to take pleasure in the small forest/treeless steppe of your nethers—trade him in.

But whatever you have or don’t have—hairwise and otherwise—be bold about it and the Male will respond appropriately. The Male wants his pleasure but he also wants you to have pleasure just as much. Because—and this is important—your pleasure makes him feel like more of a Male.

K) The hypothalamus

A cherry-sized gland deep in the Male’s brain, the hypothalamus is the automatic fuel-injection system that regulates sleep and stimulates his sexual behaviour and his emotions. It is the hypothalamus that causes the Male to fall asleep right after sex.

If the French are right, orgasm is the beginning of the end—le petit mort, the collapse after which all animals are sad. In a Male, post-coital napping is not a choice, not a sign that he does not care for you: it is purely a physiological reaction.

Sadly, this seldom stops women from waking up the post-coital Male. This is a mistake. Try to accept your Male as he is. If your Male is the absent-minded model that sometimes doesn’t listen to what you say, put it down to the fact that your Male is just that—the absent-minded kind. You cannot change a Male’s character, or even many of his habits. Why drive yourself crazy trying?

So don’t try. Don’t try to make him conform to some ideal of manhood that has been circling like a mad poodle in your brain lo these many years. Similarly, attempting to improve your Male’s performance by vocally comparing him to previous Males you have driven can result in permanent starter weakness. If you don’t like your Male as he is when you first drive him, you never will. And sadly, oh so sadly, it will eventually be mutual. So, if you can’t love the Male you’re with, scrap him. Kick him in the balls (see The testicles) hard, but without delay. He will eventually appreciate your courage. Then find another one, and don’t try to change him either. This above all will predispose your Male toward you, and will in turn result in safe, efficient and exciting motoring.