Humour

'Makes Six, As Long As You Are In A Good Place:' A Year In Recipe Reviews

'I replaced the squash with a bottle of wine.'

Illustration of girl in a pink hoodie, in her kitchen cutting vegetables with multiple labelled recipes around her.

(Illustration by Leeandra Cianci)

7/10: Cranberry, White Chocolate & Oatmeal Cookies.

This recipe is a HIT. I brought these to a work picnic. Not only did my boss come back for thirds, aloof office heartthrob Steve talked to me for the first time! I wouldn’t change a thing—except substituting white flour for oat flour, dark chocolate for white chocolate chips, skipping the cranberries and using the dough as the base for a frozen treat. I guess what I’m saying is: I made chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches, but really appreciated this recipe as a jumping-off point.

8/10: Spaghetti & Meatballs 1.0.

A classic for a reason!!! Great first-date food; I cooked this for a colleague-turned-more and I substituted bread crumbs for graham crackers, chili for garlic and dessert for . . . well . . . 😉 Just go easy on the garlic!

3/10: Turkey with Sage Stuffing.

It feels important to note that this turkey needs, like, a lot of time and patience, and that if you are cooking Christmas dinner for your new boyfriend’s family, you might want something a little less labour-intensive or likely to make you yell “I KNOW HOW TO STUFF A BIRD, GLADYS!!!” at someone’s elderly mother. Also I substituted whole brioche for the traditional bread crumbs.

2/10: New Year’s Punch.

While this punch is delicious— the rum mixes playfully with the pineapple, and the old-school maraschino cherries are a nice touch—it’s worth mentioning that it is QUITE strong. I wouldn’t say it was the only reason Steve and I had an enormous fight or why, at midnight, I frenched a potted plant to “teach him a lesson,” but it didn’t help. It’s January 7, and we haven’t spoken since. For an extra festive kick, freeze cranberries into the ice cubes!

6/10: Classic Fudgy Brownies.

The serving size, I’m sorry, is discriminatory toward women whose difficult emotional circumstances have synced with an unfortunate part of their hormonal cycle. Might be more accurate to say: “Makes six…as long as you are in a good place. Otherwise, makes one.” I also found them difficult on my digestive system (substituted two cans of black beans for most of the flour…but still).

400/10: Winter Squash Salad.

A GREAT RECIPE FOR A WOMAN IN CONTROL OF HER LIFE! A DELICIJUS MEAL FOR SOMEUN WHO DOESNTT NEED A MAN AND WHO WILL BE JUZT FINE, ACTUALLY, STEVE!!!!! I replaced the squash with a bottle of wine, the spinach with a second bottle of wine, and the pine nuts with a straw. AMAZING recipe and so easy 2 make, will def make again soon!!!

10/10: Spaghetti & Meatballs 2.0.

Steve came back as I was crying into a can of tomatoes. We ordered in. Best spaghetti ever.

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