Q: I’ve been married for 10 years. I have a good relationship with my partner – but the spark is gone. We live a decent life, are nice to each other, love our kids, but the truth is I feel like I’m just coasting through my relationship, rather than really enjoying it. What should I do? Tell me, Chantal!
First of all, congratulations on 10 years together! That unto itself is worth celebrating, and fighting for. You have history together, and while we don’t always remember that as we go about our daily routine, which can get mundane and even stale, that history is your comfort. It’s your foundation. It’s your sanity. It’s your future. It’s a constant. A known entity — one of very few in this life!
You have so many options to help spice up the relationship. You’ve already done the hard part! So many people wish they had a reliable partner that knows them in and out and they can count on. It’s rough out there lately girl, if you haven’t noticed!
Modern Marriage: Till Chores Do Us Part
The tweaks you need to make can come from a variety of places . . . but ultimately they should be designed to further connect you to your partner. One of my fave ideas is doing things together that neither of you has ever witnessed the other doing. Go white water rafting. Learn to waltz together or do a few classes in martial arts or cooking — something that is fun and makes you see the other in a different light.
My man LOVES the idea of sticking me on a rollercoaster! It’s a rare occurrence. When I’m on one I am convinced I’m going to have a heart attack. He laughs his ass off. I am totally a wreck and vulnerable and ultimately it’s hilarious for us both. On the flip side, Raine is incredibly humbled when he comes to my hot yoga class. I didn’t know a man could sweat that much — I don’t sweat at all! It’s empowering for me and damn, he respects that!
Or, on a deeper level, you could take on a beautiful cause together. Pick your favourite charity and fund a campaign or initiative — maybe you create an event together, or run a marathon to raise funds for something you both believe in. Maybe you volunteer together at a local shelter or soup kitchen. Raine and I once raised $20,000 together through a busking campaign we did for War Child Canada. I will never forget how that connected us and how it made us feel like a team, like we were doing something meaningful together for the greater good! I know it strengthened our love forever.
The key is seeing your partner in a different light and unlocking a side of them that perhaps even they didn’t know existed. It’s discovering each other in a way that can ignite that “new” feeling that we’re all so thirsty for in a tired marriage. I think this is so important (cuz I ain’t interested in the dating scene now!). No one is immune to a relationship getting tired, despite how it might look from the outside. Growing together — that is the work of a marriage. It’s real. Love is not a fairy tale. It’s not all sugar forever. Love is a choice.
Chantal Kreviazuk is an award-winning singer songwriter. She is married to Our Lady Peace frontman Raine Maida. They have three kids.