Books

What to expect from Grey, the new Fifty Shades book

Due out later this month, the latest addition to the Fifty Shades series could almost write itself.

fifty-shades-of-grey-still-shocked-ana

A still from the Fifty Shades of Grey movie.

This morning, Fifty Shades scribe E.L. James announced the impeding release of Grey, a spinoff novel told from taciturn billionaire Christian Grey’s point of view. But while the perpetually flustered Anastasia Steele describes her man as “confident, commanding … autocratic and cold,” we have a sneaking suspicion that, when it comes to inner goddesses and unbidden “Double crap!”s,  Grey’s a lot more like Ana than she thinks. (We have this sneaking suspicion because E.L. James has no range.) Here are a few lines inspired by the original Fifty Shades that we expect to see when Grey comes out on June 18.

FIFTY SHADES: “My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”
GREY: “My essential self takes off in a glider and executes a perfect barrel roll.”

FIFTY SHADES: “I feel the colour in my cheeks rising again. I must be the colour of The Communist Manifesto.
GREY: “Anastasia is gone and my head is as heavy as Atlas Shrugged, a real touchstone for a billionaire owner of, um, a telecommunications empire? Something in manufacturing? What do I do exactly?”

FIFTY SHADES: “I gaze at my mom. Her earlier jubilation has metamorphosed into concern.”
GREY: “I gaze at my mom and, for a moment, she metamorphoses into my other mom, the crack whore.”

FIFTY SHADES: “We are poles apart and from two very different worlds. I have a vision of myself as Icarus flying too close to the sun and crashing and burning as a result.”
GREY: “We are a table apart and she still won’t sign my sex contract. I have a vision of Anastasia as Atalanta, the fierce virgin huntress who could run at astounding speeds and definitely didn’t sign Hippomenes’ sex contract.”

FIFTY SHADES: “Double crap!”
GREY: “Gadzooks!”

Related: Should you watch the Fifty Shades of Grey movie?