Q: I got divorced about a year ago. Dating has been a nightmare. I saw my ex the other week and he’s dating but nothing serious. We had sex — and then did again, a few times. I’m not going to lie, it’s been nice. I feel like we can do this casually and not get all tied up in emotions again. My friends say I’m being really naïve. What do you think?
The trouble with sex is you can’t really get around the fact that it is, by its very nature, intimate. Of course, I can only speak for myself, but I feel like if someone says, “Oh, it’s just sex,” their emotional volume has been turned way down.
Personally, that’s not how I wanna go about my life. Sex is not sexy or rewarding to me without the emotional connectivity. At that point, why not just masturbate? WAY LESS MESSY.
If you are having to keep the emotions at a distance, with someone you have so much history with… why bother? Is the convenience that much of a plus? Maybe it’s not impossible to work things through with your ex, with whom you do have history, and go deeper emotionally than ever! Imagine how sexy it would be for the two of you to admit you can’t live without each other — that the only person you want to make love with is each other, and that you want to go to therapy, and get it right, and grow, and go through life together after all!
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Wow! That’s the kind of intimacy I’m talking about!
Maybe you have to face that there’s something about your connection to your ex that has you coming back for more. You want the warm body, you say. Well where does it stop? At kissing? At sweet nothings? I mean, I just don’t get it. Why not get things right and truly go all the way!
Short of that, why not just continue with the online match-making process, or join a bowling league to meet people. After all, if sex is all you’re looking for until that perfect new beginning presents itself, certainly you can find someone else to fit that bill, and spare yourself the weird connection to the past. Good luck!
Chantal Kreviazuk is an award-winning singer songwriter. She is married to Our Lady Peace frontman Raine Maida. They have three kids.
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