Q: My best friend drifted away from our relationship over the years. She was always super busy with her kids and her partner’s life. Now she’s getting a divorce and is all of a sudden back in my life, being really needy. I’m kind of over it. Am I right to feel this way? Or should I take the “high road” and drop everything to support her?
The words that immediately come to mind here for me are: judgment, boundaries and self-assurance.
I can recall a few friends who didn’t have help and had three kids in a row and I would be frustrated with the “pace” of their friendship. A few of us in our group would discuss how we felt hurt, and how annoying it was that we never heard back from . . . let’s call her “Jane.”
Now, years later, having had three boys in 4 years while moving non-stop with my career and humanitarian efforts — honestly, being judged by anyone not being available just doesn’t fit into my life.
If I make plans with a friend to go for a glass of vino and she backs out last minute, no skin off my back. Of course I always want to see my friends and catch up but sometimes months go by without phone calls or texts. We all understand how tough it is and how busy we all are.
Now it sounds like your friend was fine closing her circle when she was married. But now the shoe is on the other foot. So what’s your obligation here?
My advice is to just do your thing. If your friend gets needy or judgmental and attacks you at all for not being available to her 24/7, truly you have two choices — to ignore it or explain yourself. Either works, there is no one answer that is perfect.If you try to explain yourself, it may sound like overcompensating. But if you say nothing it can seem hurtful, or disregarding.
But your children and your partner and close relationships come first. Everything is a distant third. You have your life and your priorities. That’s the way it is.
So decide who you are. OWN IT LIKE A BEAST. Never apologize for it. You’ve worked your whole life to be that woman. Back her up. Your friend will respect you for being centred. If she doesn’t, she has work to do that you cannot do for her. Don’t get in the middle of it. If you must, love her from afar.
Chantal Kreviazuk is an award-winning singer songwriter. She is married to Our Lady Peace frontman Raine Maida. They have three kids.
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