Tacky to the bone
1. Want to know the test for finding out whether you own bland light fixtures? Ask yourself if you have seen exactly the same ones in a laundromat, then nix them for something with character.
2. Popcorn stucco is a scourge to look at and a devil to get rid of. Everyone knows it’s used to cover up bad ceilings, but it’s like putting pancake makeup on acne, why not just fix the problem?
3. We know there are excuses for ugly cabinetry (it’s a rental, new stuff is expensive). Paint isn’t one though.
That 70s show
4. Salmon pink or aqua tiles and bathroom fixtures, avocado and harvest gold appliances can never be gussied up. Ever. But they may bring in some cash as props for retro TV shows.
5. Thick and clunky, honey-stained pine furniture is a homespun favourite that should only crop up in giant lodges and cottages, far, far away.
Victoriana gone wrong
6. Did someone shake the angels, cherubim and seraphim off the Sistine Chapel? There was a time when these little people were popping up everywhere. That time was the 80s.
7. For an instant geriatric vibe, lay down some thick pile wall-to-wall carpeting in dusty rose or jewel tones (think ruby and sapphire!). On the other hand, just don’t.
8. It would be wonderful to recreate the charm of a Tuscan palazzo garden with a faux Mediterranean mural, but that’s why it costs thousands to fly to Italy. In fact, most faux paint treatments are as stale as last week’s ciabiatta.
9. Romping giraffes, sunflowers and plaid are all-stars in the wallpaper border hall of fame, but it’s time to retire them. Borders visually chop up a room and make it look like you were too cheap to spring for the whole roll, use wood mouldings instead if you want to delineate a wall.
Bachelor days’ hangover
10. The following scream “Welcome to Peter Pan’s Sports Bar and Lounge”: cheap mirrors emblazoned with beer logos; bad posters (grow up already and invest in some real art); gigantic cheap leather furniture with floppy arms.