Sex & Relationships

Help, I've got a lagging libido

Our new advice columnist Claudia Dey answers your sex and relationship questions.

A couple in bed with their feet showing

(Photo by Getty Images)


Dear Claudia

I’ve been married for 15 years, but these days — between work, kids and, to be honest, HBO — my libido has all but disappeared. Having sex feels more like a chore; my husband always has to initiate it, and I know he is starting to resent it. Help!

Dear Lagging Libido,

A wise woman once told me sex is the glue of marriage. When it starts to lose its hold, the relationship threatens to break apart. Let’s not let this happen to you, L.L.

How to kick-start your sex drive? Begin with your brain. When one becomes a householder, images of Michael Fassbender hoisting a log above his head (just saying) are replaced by grocery lists, and Playgirl gives way to play dates. First step, L.L., make space for fantasy. Read Anaïs Nin, dust off your lingerie, watch anything European, unpack your vibrator: Do what you must to allow fantasy — and the admission that you are a sexual creature, not just a dutiful one — back into your life.

Next, reacquaint yourself with your southern hemisphere — with and without your husband. Bringing your libido back from the near-dead is not simply a matter of dropping your housecoat and token-initiating sex. It is an invitation, an opportunity and a deeper venture — to the farthest reaches of your self, your sensuality and, yes, your marriage. I trust your husband will be more than happy to tag along for the ride.

Submit your questions to Dear Claudia here.

Claudia Dey is a novelist, columnist and Governor General’s Award–nominated playwright. She is the author of How to Be a Bush Pilot: A Field Guide to Getting Luckier and has written about sex and relationships in the Globe and Mail and Toro.