Sex & Relationships

He says, she says...on lingerie

We asked married couple Lisa and Dave to dish on the things women do for comfort, cleavage - and a flat stomach

1. Miracle Suit
Dave: Female Mystery No. 2038: Why do women choose to wear garments that not only appear to be uncomfortable, but also creep the bejeepers out of us. Imagine our shock when you take that thing off. It’s doubtful that Lycra has ever worked a “miracle” on anyone’s body – ever.
2. Jockey underpants
Lisa: These look super comfy. The kind of thing you’d want to wear on a rainy Monday morning when your pants won’t button up from all the junk food you ate on the weekend, and you’re going to be running around all day at work. Actually, I’d wear these every day.
3. Naomi & Nicole Smooth Look strapless bra slip
Dave: I don’t get it. This is underwear? If we were going out for a romantic dinner and you asked me to pick out a dress for you, it’s entirely plausible that this might be laying on the bed when you emerged from the shower. You think I’m joking, but this is how a man’s mind works.

Lisa: First of all, I know better than to ask you to pick out a dress for me. I don’t think I’d wear anything that would require this kind of undergarment – haven’t slips gone the way of suspenders and sock garters? The act of squeezing all your jiggly bits into this sausage-like tube of Lycra is enough to make you give up and reach for the jogging pants.

4. La Lingerie lacy briefs
Lisa: I’d save these itch-inducing knickers for occasions when you know you won’t be wearing them for long…

Dave: I like to imagine that this is what you are wearing when the tickle fight breaks out during “girl’s night in.” Also, the fact that underpants like these are scratchy is one of the reasons we encourage you to remove them as soon as possible. I (we) approve.

5. La Lingerie reversible bra
Lisa: I’m not sure why you’d need a reversible bra, unless one day you really need to go from a conservative day look to a wild party night outfit where your bra might be on display. I’ve never come across this type of situation.
6. Lilyette sheer bra
Dave: It does seem sensible, I suppose. However, the lace portion of this bra just seems to be paying lip service to the fact that it’s only a touch nicer than the ginormous beige cones that were hanging over my grandmother’s shower rod when I was little.
7. Valisere pushup bra/thong set
Lisa: I like the matchy-matchiness of this set, but all the flowery embroidery is sure to be scratchy. Definitely to be worn only when you’re sure someone will see it and know what kind of torture you’ve endured just to look hot.

Dave: This outfit is a little intimidating to me. It says, “The wearer of this laced monstrosity intends to seduce you.” In fact, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that it even comes “pre-scented” with Menthol 100s and Kahlua.

8. La Lingerie boy shorts
Lisa: Boy shorts are the best underwear innovation to come in a long time. Why wear a thong to avoid VPL (girlspeak for: visible panty lines) when you can just cover your whole butt with comfy cotton?

Dave: VPL? Is that something I should be worried about catching? Rest assured that men love it when you wear boy shorts. Not only are they supremely flattering, but they remind us of the first time you stayed over at our house and stole our boxer-briefs in the morning. By the way, we know you still have them.

9. Hue French Lace Control hose
Lisa: You’d want to carry an extra pair, in case of a run, or you might end up going totally commando. Otherwise, these are a good idea. Wearing underpants with pantyhose always seems awkward.

Dave: I disagree. I think it’s a little bit like the tuxedo t-shirt: Good for a laugh, but when it all boils down, the wearer was just too lazy to get dressed up.

10. Spanx Power Panties
Dave: I have no idea why a woman would wear these.

Lisa: You need to understand that women’s fashion all about illusion: We’re not concealing anything lumpy under our dress – we’re not even wearing anything under our dress. Until the dress comes off, and the reality is that we’re wearing long bicycle shorts. But they are comfortable.

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