Achieving orgasm

I have a hard time achieving climax when I have sex with my husband. He bought me a vibrator for Valentine’s Day, but I’m still lucky to come twice a year

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No, you’re not broken, but it may take some time to discover what’s getting in the way of the sex life you want to have.

First, there’s the issue of hormones. Some women are low on testosterone–the hormone that fuels arousal in both sexes. Your doctor can check that out. If you can have an orgasm twice a year, you know your parts are functioning–at least under conditions that are right for you. You might try to identify what these circumstances are. Perhaps you were having a post-chardonnay moment or maybe it was after an emotional conversation with your husband. Figure out what works for you.

Lots of people find sex toys less than charming, so don’t judge yourself too harshly for wanting to dislodge the batteries. As for frequency, there is no quota on sexual encounters; so stop counting.

In a lot of cases, women who find sex a turnoff are stumbling over a mental block, not a physical one. The first step may be to rethink the old no-touching-your-self rule. About 70 percent of women do not have an orgasm by penetration alone. If you haven’t covered the terrain yourself, it’s hard to give someone else directions on how to get there. You may be battling messages from long ago about your body and sex. As an adult, you can challenge these assessments. Look at some hot books with your husband and add some conversation. If you feel you still need more direction, a therapist may be useful.

Real-life radio counsellor Rhona Raskin’s beat: sex and relationships. Her motto: “Ask me anything.”

For previous questions and answers about your love life check out Ask a sex expert inAsk an expert.

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