I know it’s been a while since my last post. I tend to hibernate during chemo. I feel like crap. I feel like I look like crap. I have no energy and I feel like there is nothing going on in my life to really talk about. It is a bad cycle that I get into. Having said that, I do have good days. I even have good weeks. But, they are punctuated by the reality that there is going to be more chemo. There are going to be more bad days. There are going to be more bad weeks. Frankly, I don’t really feel like talking and being social when this is what I am thinking.
However, that is not to say that I spend my time mired in sadness and depression. Today I went out for lunch with a friend and sat outside in the sunshine. It was a beautiful day and I really enjoyed my time. We walked for a bit, chatted about our kids, and just enjoyed those couple of hours. But I find that even with the sunshine and the beauty that does not go unnoticed, when I am going through chemo, I am a little more sedate than usual.
So, why am I telling you all this? First, to explain my absence. Second, because you should know the reality. I do try to be positive most of the time and I do try to maintain an optimistic outlook, but the reality is that this period is really hard. I feel like I am constantly running to the hospital. I feel like I am always tired. I feel like I am always complaining. I feel like I have nothing to talk about that people want to hear – I mean how many conversations about cancer do people really want to have?
But I am halfway through. I have had three treatments and I am scheduled for three more. The light at the end of the tunnel is finally starting to get larger. There was a time I wasn’t even sure that I could see it. Now, I have the Passover holiday coming up which is always a fun time with family and then a family celebration coming up in May that I am really looking forward to. I am trying to focus on the good things. Sometimes things get a little out of focus but I am working on that 🙂