It’s not exactly a light bulb moment to conclude that more, and better, sex can lead to more and better happiness right? But what if the sex with your partner is a little less than earth-shattering? Your spark as a couple is all but put out? Sex columnist Josey Vogels, author of the new book Better Sex in No Time (Harper Collins) shares with us how to relight things in the bedroom.
Q: Can you explain how exactly sex is related to happiness?
A: Our sexuality is part of who we are, it’s the core of our being. When you have a healthy, happy, satisfying sex life it releases tons of hormones in your body which are feel-good hormones, it makes you feel alive and vibrant and connected to your partner, grounded and all of the things that are connected to being happy.
Q: So tell me a bit more about the premise of your book?
A: One common thing I hear from couples is they find it hard to keep that sexual connection alive. And then what happens is it’s like a muscle — if you stop using it, it gets flabby and it’s hard to get yourself to “the gym” again to get back in shape. So by the time they do find themselves to be more intimate sexually, it may be far out of reach because they’re just not feeling that connection anymore.
So the premise is about finding passion in a relationship. By being connected in small ways on a daily basis — 10 seconds here, a minute there — those things and doing that and staying connected and being intimate on a daily basis, and not just physical intimacy but emotional intimacy. So it may not be getting to the gym for that full workout, but it’s taking the stairs instead of the elevator. You feel a bit closer to your goal.
Q: So what kinds of things do you tell couples to do?
A: Most couples, after a while, spend more time brushing their teeth than deeply kissing one another. And just even that — just taking five seconds to kiss — helps. Just complimenting your partner helps — verbalizing the things you appreciate them doing, not focusing on the negative, more the positive and just being more conscious of that extra step that you can take for your partner to make them feel good about themselves. Even just holding hands or touching one another or putting your arm around them and walking down the street — maintaining that bit of flirtation or intimate connection on a regular basis makes the physical connection between you, the spark, sort of lit. When you want to light the fire, it’s not so difficult.
Q: So if our readers wanted to start changing their relationship today, how can they start?
A: They can start by forcing themselves to really stop and look at each other and getting back to appreciating and verbalizing your appreciation for your partner. Focus on the things you appreciate and really make them feel appreciated is the easiest way to start. The more that you do it with your partner, the more they want to do it for you. Opening that door leads to keeping that connection there and afloat and alive.
Leave your comments below: What do you do to keep the spark alive?