| Finding strength Others seemed to believe in my strength. Yet little things could derail me without warning. In March, I bravely packed up wind-pants, skis and water bottles for my first cross-country ski trip with the kids since our breakup. Skiing had defined us as a family, and it's a lot tougher with one parent in charge. After driving three hours from Victoria to Mt. Washington, I unpacked the kids, ran them both to the toilets, put on their skis and rushed to meet the rest of their ski group for our designated time. I was hustling them along the trail when a ski patrol asked me where the kids' passes were. In the car, I realized with dread. When he insisted that we all turn back, I burst into tears, worn out by the effort of skiing alone with these two little people. What a sight I must have been. Embarrassed and emotionally drained, I packed up the kids and drove back to Victoria. I still have my moments. This morning I opened the bread cupboard and noticed that my yeast- free, wheat-free bread had mould all over it again. Before my husband left, the two of us could finish it by the week's end. Each time I throw away another moulding loaf I think of him. The journey toward forgiveness and healing has not been easy, but our children are the beacon that keeps us on track. Although their father and I live in separate houses, we are definitely parenting them together. We recount their day each night--limits we need to keep firm, what happened at school. My son, at six, needs to define our new relationship. Last night he asked me, "Mommy, are you still a wife?" When I told him no, he asked, "Is Daddy still a husband?" "No," I replied. After a long pause he asked, "Are we still a family?" I thought about those nightly kid-focused conversations my ex-husband and I had been having since the breakup. I remembered how he came over and helped get us all through the 24-hour flu. I answered, "We will always be a family." Redefining our family is challenging in unexpected ways. While many separated couples struggle for civility, my ex-husband and I struggle to create healthy boundaries. Last week I began to share with him the misgivings I had about a new speech I'm writing about courage. Just in time, I stopped myself. As tempting as it is, this level of intimacy is no longer safe for me. I am trusting my own judgment and when I really need to share an idea I call up a close colleague or a friend. |