Health

Frustration — once again, waiting for new treatment to start

So, no video this week because once again, I got sick. I had a wicked flu on Monday night that had me violently ill throughout the night. It took me a couple of days to recover from that. Not the best way to start the week, especially after suffering a series of migraines last week, including one on my birthday last Tuesday, the 10th.

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So, no video this week because once again, I got sick. I had a wicked flu on Monday night that had me violently ill throughout the night. It took me a couple of days to recover from that. Not the best way to start the week, especially after suffering a series of migraines last week, including one on my birthday last Tuesday, the 10th. It is a little frustrating having a compromised immune system — it feels like I am down for a couple of days every other week. It makes it hard to get momentum on any project. Every time I start to take some action, I have to take a break.

But the more frustrating break is waiting for this next clinical trial. I cannot do anything. I am just waiting for four weeks to lapse from the time I took the last pill from the last trial I was on. I cannot move time forward. I cannot take any other treatment. I cannot do anything to stop the spread of this cancer that I know just continues to grow more and more in my body. I am tired, I have headaches, I get short of breath and while this goes on, there is nothing I can do to try to prevent it. I have to wait.

I know the doctors need to make sure that my system is clear of any other drugs to ensure there is no interaction with the new drugs. I know that I have to get all the testing done prior to starting the clinical trial anyway. But I hate not doing anything. I hate just waiting. I always feel better when I am being proactive. Waiting just means that I have no control over what is going on and I hate feeling like I am giving the cancer any more opportunity to grow than it already has.

Can I plan a trip for this summer? No. Should I be talking about my annual trip to South Beach in the fall? No. Can I look beyond the next two weeks until I start the trial? No. Argh! Living each day as if it is your last, without planning for the future, is not all it is cracked up to be. Yes, we should make the most of every moment, but part of that has to include planning the future — immediate and long term. There is a joy in the anticipation. There is an excitement in talking about things, planning them, seeing them come closer and then, finally experiencing them. As much as savouring the moment is important, so is being able to look to the future.

I don’t have that right now. All I have is the next two weeks. I want more. Childish? Maybe, but there it is — I want to know that I am taking action. I don’t want to wait. It makes time feel heavy.