What are your relationship ruts?
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| Question of 8 In one-on-one interactions, which TV personality do you most identify with?
You're a ditch digger Most days you feel like Teddy Roosevelt digging the Panama Canal – while you're strong, assertive and know how to get a job done, all that work in a relationship can be draining. Plus, your need to be in control may actually be causing more problems than it's solving. According to Dr. Sue Johnson, a psychology professor at the University of Ottawa and director of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute: "One partner often becomes more pushy because they think they're not having an impact on the other person. They need to realize that they are." The fix: Keep things, and yourself, in check by listening to how you speak to your partner. Are you always telling them what to do? Criticizing what they say? "Watch for patterns in your speech," says Dr. Johnson. Then ask yourself how your partner is reacting – do they remain quiet, which in turn makes you repeat yourself? "To stop sounding accusatory, you need to shift your conversational patterns so that you're talking about yourself instead of them," says Dr. Johnson. You're more likely to get a positive reaction from the other person if you say, "My sense is that you're not listening to me – and that is hard for me – so I tend to up the ante. I am trying to listen to you," than saying, "You're not listening!" For more insight into your relationship, try our compatibility quiz. You're on maintenance crew You're well equipped to handle almost every situation: your compassion, humour and intelligence help you shovel your way out of any hole. But sometimes it can feel like you're doing nothing but patchwork and making no new in-roads into your relationships. Dr. Sue Johnson, a psychology professor at the University of Ottawa and director of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute, recommends changing up your environment to keep your relationships fresh. "We're spending less real time with the people we care about and we have to make that a priority," she says. The fix: Dr. Johnson recommends going to a cottage with your family or spending a night with your sweetie in a hotel – anything that gets you away from everyday routines. "The classic way to get out of a conversational rut is to recognize that you're in one," says Dr. Johnson. "Then talk about what you want and what's happening with you." If you find you're always hitting the same conversational bumps, try smoothing things over with the help of a joke. Or, validate your mate by telling them something you appreciate about them. Even an adolescent can recognize a relationship rut, she says, by saying: "Hey mum, we're in that dance we do together where I hear you telling me that I'm a bad kid and I get scared and defensive." Being able to recognize the rut and talking about it helps you move into new terrain. For more ideas on how to spend some alone time with your sweetie, check out our Random Date Idea Generator. You've almost hit bottom You're compliant, sensitive and little trapped by other's needs. It can be hard to express your own feelings, especially when it comes to making decisions or dealing with conflict. Dr. Sue Johnson, a psychology professor at the University of Ottawa and director of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute says that some people automatically assume a submissive role in relationships. "Our spouses are more important to us than other people," Dr. Johnson says. "I can be a big shot at work and if people don't like it, I can leave it behind when I go home. But if my spouse disapproves of me, then it can make me doubt myself." The fix: If you're feeling like you're at a low point in your relationship, know that there is a way out. Dr. Johnson recommends speaking up, even if it comes out as a whisper. "If you can start by saying: 'I kind of shut down because I don't know what to say or do sometimes, you'll be opening doors," she says. "In my experience, when people say, 'I don't know what to do now,' their partner will jump in to help them. You need to ask for help, then tell the other person how they can help you." Get the conversational ball rolling by talking to others who've been there in our Sex & relationships forum. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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